Journey to Recovery

Has it really been more than a year since I blogged?

2009-03-16T20:16:00.000-05:00

Wow!

I don't have time for an update now but I am still alive, still sober (I would have had three years in August but I drank on a day last May when I buried my father. I've been continuously sober since though.)

I will try to stop in and let folks know what is going on with me if they ever do come by to check anymore.

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone!

I awoke after sleeping late refreshed and not hungover and what a blessing that is. I am so grateful.

Last night, I had the privilege of speaking with my group at an alkathon. Thank heavens we were one of the early groups...I don't think I could have made it in the wee hours. I used to be so uncomfortable speaking at meetings and now it doesn't seem hard at all. I just say a little prayer that whatever I say might be useful to someone. I get good feedback so I guess I do alright. What a great way to end my first sober calendar year.

After the alkathon, my husband and I met up with some friends and went to a party. I only stayed for an hour or so and then went home to be with my kids and a couple of their friends that were sleeping over. Historically, my husband has stayed behind at this party and gotten shit faced with the guys. Much to my surprise, he arrived home shortly before the ball dropped and celebrated with us and our sparkling cider. My sons and their friends took pots and pans and banged them out on the front lawn to celebrate. It was truly fun and a blessing to be there and be sober. (Right now, the kids are engaged in the most competitive game of Risk I've ever seen..they haven't even expressed an interest in breakfast yet...for teenage and tweenage boys, this is amazing. My teenage daughter is still sleeping...too exhausting being in charge of her brothers and their friends for a few hours last night, I guess.)

I can't believe it's 2008. When I was a kid, I remember calculating how old I'd be in various years in the future and the 2000's seemed an eternity away. How the hell did it get to be 2008 so fast?? I'm thinking of leaving the Christmas stuff up because it will be back in ten minutes, lol.

Today I'm grateful for:

A whole calendar year (and many days on top of that) of hangover free mornings

That I find comfort in being part of the fellowship, as well as personal growth

That my husband didn't get drunk last night. He's not an alcoholic, but it still is hard for me to be around someone abusing alcohol

For a clear and beautiful day today

That I don't have to resolve to get sober in 2008 (though I do have to resolve to lose weight; some things never change, after all!)

Merry Christmas, sober buddies!

2007-12-25T11:39:00.000-05:00

This is my second sober Christmas and it has been very pleasant. I have my MIL and FIL here and we had the traditional chicken lasagna dinner last night (and MIL cooked it, yay!)

The present orgy is over and we are very blessed with a bountiful holiday in that department. The best part is not being so hungover that I can't deal with the kids' excitement. Today, I was part of it.

I am most grateful for that.

I expect a quiet day and a wonderful feast with roast beast this evening.

Merry Christmas, all!

gratitude on Sunday

2007-12-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

today I am grateful for:

Dan Fogelberg's music and how much I loved it, especially during my teen years. Dan died of prostate cancer today. I hope he rests in peace.

for Itunes and Ipods, where I can download the music that moves me

for snow on the ground at Christmas

for a quiet day at home weathering a Nor'easter

for no desire to have a "storm party" and the certainty that I will awaken hangover free tomorrow.

Gratitude

2007-12-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings--months and months--of no hangovers

That my cold is just about cleared up

That AA is teaching me to stop trying to control things

That my performance review was not as traumatic as I thought it would be at work today.I've been given goals to work with and that's good. Now, if I only get some management assistance...

That Christmas will be quiet this year, just my husband's parents and us

That my daughter is pleased with her winter concert band performance this evening. It was fun.

Comment Moderations

2007-11-30T18:51:00.000-05:00

I guess I need to moderate the comments to avoid being Mickied again. Sigh...

Step One

2007-11-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

I've been a member of the AA program since I got sober, but have never done the steps. I really want to do them, and now that my sponsor has decided to start a women's step meeting in her home, I jumped at the chance. We are reading 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, a book which I've owned for a while but never read.

Step One is admitting I am powerless over alcohol and the my life had become unmanageable. This has been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I am a high bottom drunk. I never really had the jackpots other people had. And without them, the thought that maybe I could drink again likes to make its way into my brain space on occasion.

So it's good to focus tonight on the ways my life had become unmanageable due to alcohol and how I was powerless over it:

Waking up every day feeling like shit, bloated and hungover.

Swearing that I would not pick up a drink that day, and really meaning it, only to find myself at the package store picking up wine that evening.

Being depressed, stuck, irritable, angry, incapable of any emotion but negative ones.

Shutting my kids out emotionally, as well as my husband.

Drinking more than I intended to every single time I picked up a drink. Hating it when I had to drink more slowly in case others noticed. Impatiently waiting for the server to come back and give me a refill when I was out at a restaurant. Stocking up on lots of wine, in case I had to share with company.

Drinking before the party and afterwards to make up for the moderation I had to endure while AT the party

Blackouts--driving my kids home in a blackout one night. Especially when I prided myself on the one thing that I never did at least was drive drunk.

Sneaking vodka into my cranberry juice when the one bottle of wine I had promised myself I would limit myself to ran out before I got the buzz I needed.

Ignoring the pain in my right side for four years because I was afraid it might mean I had physically damaged myself by my drinking. And continuing to drink all those years.

I am so grateful today that I am sober.

I do not want to go back out to prove that I am an alcoholic and to make my life any more unmanageable than it was. I was lucky to get off the elevator before the DUIs, the jackpots, the losses that I could have had if I had continued on the path I was on.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T13:32:00.000-05:00

Today I am very thankful for:

My second sober Thanksgiving. This year I have no fear that I will be tempted to pick up.

That I've been on track with Weight Watchers for two weeks now (and my treadmill program since August) and I've already worked out today. I am going to be careful about what I eat today, but I plan to enjoy a moderate portion of all my favorites.

That it's a beautiful unseasonably warm day today which means 24 of us will not be crowding into my parents' tiny house. We can be outside where we like to be.

That one of my college roommates, also sober, is coming for a visit on Saturday night.

That I am going to take the train into town tomorrow with my daughter for a little shopping in Harvard Square.

That I have so much to be grateful for today!

Life's been busy, but I'm okay

2007-11-09T06:54:00.000-05:00

My poor neglected blog...I've been out of the blogosphere for some time, it seems. Life just got very busy is all. I am sober nearly 15 months, by the grace of God. Things are mostly good, which is probably why I haven't posted, lol.

Hope all are well out there. I need to catch up with all of your blogs.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings without a hangover

Strong coffee in the early morning

Autumn in New England

For keeping my commitment to myself and the strength to do so

That it's Friday!

cravings and such

2007-09-23T19:38:00.000-05:00

Thirteen month later and I still get cravings to drink. Not as strong and as often but there are times when I am definitely entertaining the notion. It doesn't help that my husband thinks I could have a drink now and then. He's sure I won't go back to the way I used to be. The man still doesn't get this disease...

I have not been working my program as well as I could lately and that may be part of the problem. I am going to step up my meetings for a while and get back into reading the AA books I have. I have a few that I haven't even read yet.

Today I am grateful for:

Not being hungover on Sunday mornings anymore

Not blacking out on Saturday nights

That I was in my swimming pool today after my workout on SEPTEMBER 23! This is a record for me. The pool's not heated.

For the first season of 24 which I watched doing my treadmill work out. I loved it.

P.S. Tab, the chicken pot pie recipe is from Cook's Illustrated and I will try to find it on line for you. It will take me forever to type out as it was a three hour affair.

trucking along here

2007-09-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

I have been even spottier blogging than usual. For lots of reasons, not the least of which is Mick's fun rants.

I have started a treadmill program that is making me feel great. After my gallbladder surgery last month, I got on the treadmill for just a little bit every day. I'm doing a program called Weight Watchers Ultimate Walking Challenge and it gradually builds up week to week. I'm on week 5 and I have been religious about getting on the treadmill. I rent DVDs of TV shows I never saw (Desperate Housewives has been on tap lately) and do my time. I'm feeling great. Except for a head cold but that's passing.

I continue to work the program and life just gets better.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings without hangovers

A rainy Saturday to putter in the kitchen

The to-die-for chicken pot pie that I made

That I don't need to drink today

That tomorrow is Sunday (one more day left in the weekend)

More gratitude

2007-09-03T19:50:00.001-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Getting an email from a woman I used to drink a lot with and hearing how she is in pain from a hangover and knowing that I don't do that anymore and haven't had a hangover in over a year.

That despite the holiday weekend my home group meeting was well attended yesterday

For the home baked goodies that are always at my home group every Sunday and the guy that bakes them

For the absolutely gorgeous weather this weekend

For boating around the Boston Harbor islands with my husband's parents

For the Lewis Black concert we attended last night. Very funny guy.

For a day by the pool and closing the weekend with a lobster fest

Life is good.

gratitude list

2007-08-27T06:04:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up sober every morning for more than one year

The Indigo Girls

Mangoes

Getting my medallion yesterday and all the love and support at my home group

Warm weather and nekkid swims in the pool in the early morning

A very funny book I am reading called "Dirty Job"

That because I am sober, I can remember the chapter I read last night at bedtime

Hell, that I was able to read at bedtime instead of just passing out

One Year Today

2007-08-20T05:59:00.000-05:00

Today marks one year sober for me. It has been one year since I crawled in the door of what is now my home group for the third time, after a week long drinking binge that I called a family vacation. There are pictures from that vacation that include me, but I cannot remember being there as I was in a blackout. I still burn with shame if I happen across them.

But today is not a day for shame and remorse. It's a day to celebrate!

Today I am grateful for:

One year of hangover free mornings. How did I ever stand the hangovers for so long?

The personal/spiritual growth I've experienced in the past year

AA and all the support I receive there

My online sober buddies, both bloggers and the secular sobrietists over at the Lifering site

That I am present in my life today

Squirrelly

2007-08-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

I am feeling squirrelly of late, having lots of drinking thoughts and drinking dreams. I don't know if it's connected to my upcoming one year in a few days or what. Certainly, the addictive voice likes to tell me that now that I've gone one year, of course, I can have the occasional red wine with dinner or Margarita. After all, it was white wine that gave me so much trouble...just stay away from that!

My head is a bad neighborhood lately and recovering from surgery has kept me in it too much. I've only gotten to a meeting and a half since surgery. I will get to one tonight. I am feeling much better now, though still a little weak if I sit in one place too long. I will be back at work tomorrow. My boys come home from camp this weekend. Life should get back to being busy and that helps me get out of this bad neighborhood.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings of waking up without a hangover. (This is so tops on my list!)

That I recovered well from the surgery, though a little slower than anticipated.

That when I get squirrelly I know what to do

That my Dad is doing really well lately. Saw him yesterday and he had the old spark in his eye.

For Ann Lamott, whose books I've been enjoying during my lay up

For a beautiful August day that I can enjoy before I head back to the office tomorrow.

Life is good.

Surgery

2007-08-09T17:24:00.001-05:00

I had my gall bladder removed on Monday and I've been recovering since. It was keyhole (laparascopic) surgery so my recovery is faster but my surgeon wasn't kidding that it's still major stomach surgery. Ouch, I've been sore. I've taken painkillers as prescribed and mostly they just made me sleep. Never was one to abuse narcotics; I liked the speedy drugs. Today, I just took Tylenol.

Tonight is my first outing--I plan to go to my women's Living Sober meeting. I won't stay the whole time if I don't feel up to it. However, I've missed my meetings this week.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings of no hangovers

That the pain I've had in my side for a number of years turned out to be my gall bladder and not liver damage from drinking

That the surgeon said my liver looked great

That things are quiet at work this week so I am able to rest and recover

Get Back In The Car

2007-07-26T05:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, at my women's meeting, the topic turned to staying in the moment. A number of people shared their tricks or mantras for bringing themselves back to the moment when their minds wander off to worrying about things that might happen in the future. I really needed to hear these things as I have a terrible time of staying in the moment and I'm really trying to put my focus in the day. One of the benefits of this is that it slows time down in a way...I'm paying attention to NOW instead of fearing the future. Still, it's a chore. The minute I am out of bed my mind starts obsessing over things I have to do at work, worrying about my parents, etc.

So I really appreciated the mantra this one woman shared. She described how she does a lot of her thinking in the car when she's driving her kids here and there. When she finds her mind wandering off, she tells herself "Get back in the car!" She now uses this line even when she isn't in the car.

I've decided to adopt this one as my mantra too. I have to laugh though. Another woman had described the issue as "keeping your head where your feet are". This morning, as I was out for my morning walk, where my head starts to swim with all the things I have to attend to, I kept mixing the mantras up so it came out some thing like "Keep your feet in the car!!!"

Today I am grateful for:

Many months of sober hangover free days

My women's meeting and the wisdom that is shared there

The flock of wild turkeys that are roaming my walking route (22 babies, and three adults)

July in New England

Moving right along here

2007-07-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

Things have been okay for me lately and seem to be rolling along pretty smoothly. At least on an emotional level. My siblings are fighting over the care of my elderly parents. I am not involved in the fight but I understand I drew a few zingers nonetheless. My job is still a source of anxiety for me and negative feelings about myself. But somehow, it is all rolling off my shoulders today. I have been practicing staying in the moment and doing what's in front of me. And I believe it will all work out with the help of my HP.

Today I am grateful for:

months and months of hangover free mornings (11 months on Friday!)

that I became teachable through AA

that I've been getting up at 5:30 AM to get a walk in before work, as well as a swim in the pool afterwards

that I lost 3.5 pounds since I started doing it

that I don't crave alcohol every day like I used to

On old Cape Cod

2007-07-10T19:47:00.000-05:00

I was on vacation last week in a beloved place, Cape Cod. I used to live there many years ago and never feel so relaxed as when I get to the beach there, stick my feet in the sand and go "ahhhh". It's also the scene of a lot of my drinking over the years and being back there sober was interesting. My friends there have toned it down some on the drinking so it was not too difficult to stay sober but I did miss the beers on the beach a little.
Above is the place where we kept our boat for the week. We boated to a sandy beach nearly every day. There was only one rainy day all week. We did go karts with the kids, went to Chatham to shop and see the seals on the beach, and got some clams. I ate lots of clams last week.

Today I am back to work but I am grateful for:

Many mornings of no hangovers

That I am blessed to be able to take vacations, particularly Cape Cod vacations

For sand, sea, and blue sky

For clams, fireworks, ice cream, old friends, and new friends

For a sober vacation

Life's little coincidences

2007-06-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am still good friends with my two college roommates although we live in different states and haven't been in the same room in years. This weekend I explained to them why I had quit drinking (i.e. about my alcoholism). Turns out that one of them is also an alcoholic as well. I knew she had quit drinking too and suspected perhaps she had her issues but she confirmed them when I outed myself. We all used to party quite a bit back in college; it seems strange that two of us have stopped and the third hardly drinks much at all.

They were both amazingly supportive. My friend did not get sober through AA, but she knows I am in the program and if she ever needs an introduction, she knows who to call.

Today I am grateful for:

More than ten months of hangover free mornings

For old and good friends

That I am going to be on vacation at the beach next week

That my father, who started dialysis today, did well with his first session

For hot June weather and a nice cool backyard pool

I am not a good blogger, I'm afraid....

2007-06-16T20:41:00.000-05:00

It's been weeks since my last post. Not sure what I've been doing other than life. Good news is that I have NOT been drinking. I am approaching ten months sober this week (the date of which is also my birthday so I will have something to celebrate). I continue to go to meetings. I get down on my knees and pray every morning and I pray at night (although I hope my HP forgives me that sometimes those night time prayers come from under the covers).

My gratitude list today:

For many mornings without a hangover

For my Aunt Charlotte who was laid to rest today

For the family gathering we had after the service to celebrate Father's Day, Mom's 84th birthday, my brother's birthday, and my birthday. It's a tradition and there won't be many more that we will get together with my parents. They are both failing.

For old family pictures that we looked through today

For my Mom's Italian sausage and peppers and my sister in law's strawberry shortcake made with local fresh strawberries...YUM!

*************WOW**************

I served as an inspiration to someone? I am truly grateful for that. Thank you, Kathy.

Please stop by and welcome Kathy to the Blogosphere.

http://gospodipomiluj.blogspot.com

(If this link doesn't work, navigate it through the comment from kathym.)

Doctor Lawyer Indian Chief

2007-05-25T07:18:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the opportunity to speak at a commitment. It's
only about the fourth time I've ever done this and only the second time I've been on a
commitment.

This particular meeting was around the corner from my office. I have
never attended any meetings near the office out of fear of being
seen going in, knowing folks when I get there, or God forbid, someone from my
job whom I do not know recognizing me (I'm known to folks in my company that I
would not not necessarily know or recognize). But I went to this meeting,
because the fear of being outed is leaving me as I out myself. Also, my sponsor and group members were coming into town from the suburbs for it and we had made it a date.

The meeting was the biggest meeting I have ever attended. It was
enormous. And when my turn to speak came, I was fairly terrified by the crowd of about 100 people. (I am a terrified public speaker, a
major career handicap for me.) Well, I get up to the podium and don't you know
but that smack dab in the middle of the second row was R., a very influential
partner at the law firm I used to work at up until a couple of years ago. I'm
pretty sure he recognized me and I'm also pretty sure he was uncomfortable about
being recognized by me. Something about his being there galvanized me and I was
able to speak about my alcoholism and my recovery in a way I have never been
able to before--comfortably, with acceptance, and with a real desire to have
what I say make contact in helping another alcoholic know it's okay, we are all
in this together. Whether we are respected professionals or streetwalkers. Big
shots or bums. It happens to all kinds of people.

I ended my piece with a description of how I'd been nervous to attend a meeting
so close to my office in case someone recognized me. And then I said I said
"well, if you recognize me, I want to say hello. I am one of you." And you know what? I meant it!

I just didn't care if R. or anyone else knew that I was a member too. I had a
feeling of the collective "we" that I have never really experienced before. Not
even when I was drinking trying to get that "part of" feeling.

Anyway, R. took off before I had a chance to speak to him after the meeting but
a lot of people came up to me after the meeting to thank me for my share and one
guy mentioned how the lawyer who sat in front of him at every meeting had paced
the sidewalk outside for several weeks before getting up the nerve to go in, he
was so afraid of seeing someone he knew. He was speaking of R, it turned out.

I don't know if R. left quickly to avoid me but I do hope I run into him again.
Gee, I'm not terminally unique after all.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up hangover free today and many days before this

That I finally got the good sense to get into the program rather than do it on my own

That I am not terminally unique after all

That today is a gorgeous day

That this weekend is a long weekend

9 Months Today

2007-05-20T16:56:00.000-05:00

Can't hardly believe it but it is 9 months today since I put the plugin the
jug. 

I also got the results of some physical tests that I had done and have found out
the my liver is healthy. Turns out the pain that I've had in my side for years
was my gallbladder, not my liver. And all that time I was convinced it was my
drinking destroying my liver. And I was too full of fear to get it checked out while I was drinking.

Knowing that my liver is healthy is a cause for gratitude, not a reason to think
I can drink safely.  I was lucky. Many are not.

The gall bladder will come out this fall and I'll be pleased to get rid of the
pain finally.  Although it has served as a reminder for 9 months (however
incorrectly) of why I don't drink any more.  After all, it COULD have been my
liver.

Today I am grateful for:

9 months of hangover free mornings

Some deep questions from my middle school aged son

For the weather clearing up beautifully late this afternoon so I could walk by dog down at the beach

A day of healthy eating (so far)

Out of the Closet

2007-05-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight I outed myself as an alcoholic completely with my siblings and their spouses, even using the dreaded "A" word that I have only really used in meetings thus far. Only my sister has known about why I quit drinking and even with her I have never said "alcoholic." Reactions were very supportive and my brothers surprised me with their affection and support. (Although my younger brother wanted to know wasn't I supposed to make amends to him for every time I teased him growing up...) As usual there was some surprise..."you never seemed to drink very much"...that kind of thing.

It feels freeing to be myself. And it also comforts me to know that I now no longer have an out to drink at family functions where the beer is usually plentiful. That door is now closed.

Hope everyone had a good sober weekend. Things are a little less ouchy for me today.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up on a gorgeous spring day with no hangover

The green grass, the purple azaleas, the smell of lilacs

The Mother's Day gifts I received from my sons (a scented candle and a handwritten poem)

The opportunity to be with my own Mom, as well as Dad and siblings

Taking a walk with my 19 month old niece and seeing the world through her eyes...priceless (we stopped and sang the Wheels on the Bus in the middle of the street)

Ouch

2007-05-11T06:44:00.000-05:00

I am having a week full of fear, totally out of proportion to an oversight I made at work a couple of years that came to light. It really points up how full of doubt, fear, and insecurity I am, especially when it comes to my job. I have zero confidence in my skills, despite the outward trappings of success. I am always afraid--and I mean bone crushingly afraid, I couldn't get out of bed on Wednesday--of the "truth" being found out. Yup, I'm nuts.

I'm tired of living like this and I've really been trying to use the program to help. I am praying to my higher power, asking for help. I'm trying to keep it in the day. I've gone to meetings and reached out and received really wonderful support. The best I felt all week in fact, was at my meetings. I also finally made an appointment with a therapist to start getting to the bottom of this crap. I could easily have drank to drown these feelings this week which would have been my past MO.

Today I am grateful for:

No hangover this AM, yesterday AM and for many AMs before that

My Wednesday night women's meeting--God bless them all, they are the best

For the warm weather we've been having

That my husband is happy with his long longed for new boat

For fettucine with gorgonzola, asparagus and toasted walnuts (leftovers for lunch today)

Is this how I want to spend my life??

2007-05-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

It's been suggested at my job that I take over some new responsibilities that would require me to learn a new area. Normally, I'd be excited but the area is highly technical and, in a word, boring. I spent this weekend trying to do a lot of reading to get up to speed for a meeting that I have tomorrow on the topic and I was bored to tears. Plus, I had a zillion things to do around the house, it was a nice spring weekend and I didn't want to be in the house studying, dang it.

So here I sit and whine after a long day...it could be worse, I could be trying to do this with a hangover.

I have been around drinking a lot in the past couple of weeks, on vacation and then at work events. I don't care for it, not the least reason is that I still get the urge to pick up now and again and I don't like being that close to the poison. I really have to think the drink through to the end. Or drinks, I should say...it is never just one. I'd resent having to stick to just one or two. If I'm going to drink, I want boatloads, oceans and rivers full. Knowing this has kept me away from one.

Today, I am grateful for:

Many months hangover free

Fish tacos (they were excellent)

The people I know in my meetings

That being seen at an AA meeting is no longer such a horrible thought to me

For the sight of Venus in the evening sky

For the smell of fresh cut grass

Catching up from vacation

2007-04-28T15:41:00.000-05:00

I've been back from vacation a week and haven't had time to catch up. Saw plenty of elk in the Canadian Rockies, although the ones I saw had no antlers. It was a great trip and I'm proud to say that despite some temptations, I had my 8 month anniversary out there. There were a number of partying types on the trip with us and in the old days, I would have been in the middle of that. I stayed away and enjoyed the skiing, shopping, and eating. Too much eating, I'm afraid.

Today I am grateful for:

Many hangover free mornings

Waking up sober from drinking dreams and feeling quite relieved

That while I didn't make a meeting while I was in Canada, there were meetings available to me

That spring is finally here in New England

Daffodils and forsythia are blooming like crazy

Walking my crazy dog in the woods

Just wondering...

2007-04-12T15:44:00.000-05:00

why did all the Brady girls take their stepfather's surname when their mom re-married? That was weird even for the early seventies. What kind of emotional repercussions might that have had on them, I wonder?

I'm having that kind of day, as you can see.

Today I am grateful for:

No more hangovers.

Dunkin' Donuts large coffee, cream only

I'm off on vacation to Canada skiing next week

I have the ability to work at home when I need to

I manage to get some work done when I do

Drinking Dreams

2007-04-11T06:58:00.000-05:00

I keep having drinking dreams. I don't feel close to drinking so I'm not sure why I keep having them. Last night, it seemed so real. I was in the dream, at the liquor store, buying wine...When I woke up, I had such a moment of panic.

Today I am grateful for the fact that my dreams were only just that and that I am sober today.

Restlessness

2007-04-06T20:19:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling somewhat restless today; not sure what's going on with me. I have plenty of things that I could be doing--my house is a disorganized mess, the spring clean up in the yard could be started--but I can't seem to focus. The idea of a drink popped into my head a couple of times too.

I got myself to my usual Friday meeting and that helped. But I didn't share what was going on with me and that was a mistake. I think I may just turn in early tonight.

Today I am grateful for:

Months of hangover free mornings

Having today off from work

That "24" is on DVD

That stew tastes even better a few days later

That I am learning to pray rather than drink

Wow, Time flies

2007-03-31T21:25:00.000-05:00

I was surprised to see how long it has been since I've made an entry in my blog.

I'm still here and still sober. Things have been a tad emotional lately as my Dad is back in the hospital. He went in for some planned surgery and had a heart attack while he was there. His heart is already so damaged. Apparently, his kidney function is so diminished, fluids are building up in his chest, and a whole host of other things are going wrong. I feel so badly for him. He told the doctor today he doesn't want to be resuscitated if he goes into cardiac arrest. I understand how he feels. He's been very ill since last fall. He's tired of it. He doesn't have a lot of hope of getting better.

My relationship with my Dad hasn't always been a smooth one. He was a difficult, angry man when I was growing up. He mellowed considerably once we kids were grown. I also understand where he was coming from so much better than I could as a kid or a teenager-his family background, his marriage to my Mom. I think he did the best that he could and tried to love us as best as he could.

I love him and I am going to miss him a great deal when he passes on.

Tonight I am grateful for:

many mornings of no hangovers

time I am able to spend with my Dad

that he understands I love him and I understand he loves me

that he remained healthy for so many years (he's 84 now)

that I had an AA meeting to go to tonight after an emotional day and that I don't need to drink over any of this

7 Months Today

2007-03-20T20:41:00.000-05:00

Today is seven months sober for me. It seems like a miracle, really. When I started this blog, and even before, I was stopping and starting, and never seemed to amass any time. Today, I feel strong and like I am finally on the right path.

Today I am grateful for:

Seven months of no hangovers

All the support I have received in my recovery from AA, LifeRing, and others

For managing to stick to my diet today

For the first day of spring tomorrow (it IS tomorrow, isn't it?)

My First Commitment

2007-03-18T20:13:00.000-05:00

I went on my first commitment last night. My sponsor, Karen, called me and asked if I want to go along. (Bless her, I've been a terrible sponsee as I never call her. It took all I had there to ask her to the prom in the first place.) I've never gone on one with my group, preferring to stick to my routine regular meetings. But it was not far away and I decided to go, even though I knew I would have to speak.

When we got there, there was the biggest crowd I've ever seen at an AA meeting. Turns out it was a beginner's meeting preceding the commitment meeting. I was having a heart attack about getting in front of that size crowd. But most of them left at the break. I guess it being St. Patrick's day and all, a larger crowd than usual had turned out. What a great place for a drunk to be on St. Paddy's day--an AA meeting.

The commitment went well and I didn't pass out speaking in front of the crowd. I spoke for about ten or 15 minutes I guess. My story is not all that interesting...I don't have a lot of jackpots to describe. Only the loss of myself. But the program is working for me; that I can attest to in any event. And it was great hearing my group speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Nearly seven months' worth of hangover free mornings

for my sponsor, Karen

that my Dad has been doing well of late

for a Sunday afternoon visit with my parents and a late afternoon nap

Sunday night Thai food take out

Need to get out of my own head tonight

2007-03-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

I am home alone tonight, which generally I enjoy since it is so rare that the husband and kids aren't around. Still, I'm feeling troubled today and not enjoying the solitude as much as I normally would.

I can't quite put my finger on the sadness. I'm feeling a bit compulsive, eating everything in sight. I went shopping today and yesterday and spent too much money on clothes I probably don't need. That's not really like me.

I feel fat, old, ugly.

I did go to a meeting tonight which I normally like. But I felt apart from everyone else tonight. I think I am on the pity pot a bit which isn't helpful. So a gratitude list is in order:

For many many mornings without a hangover

That I can pray when things don't feel right, instead of picking up a drink

That I can stay sober when I'm home alone (this used to be a "yahoo! Time to really drink the way I want to.." event

That I can change my weight by eating and exercising right, even if I can't change my age

That I can even afford to go shopping

That this mood too shall pass

Am I getting addicted to meetings?

2007-03-03T21:43:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to wonder about this. I've been going to a lot (for me, anyway) and I feel just great after I attend one. Tonight, I could have stayed home--wasn't feeling particularly like I needed one and had been to one last night, but I had the opportunity and so I went. Met up with my sponsor there and haven't seen her in a bit so it was nice to see her. I felt so darn good after I left the meeting. Better than any drink could make me feel.

I had kind of a hard week, with a lot of family shit going down. Caring for my elderly parents has everyone kind of edge. My siblings and I are also not very good at being able to ask for help when we need it. (I'm learning, though!) The result was that my brother and his wife were doing a lot of sniping behind the backs of the rest, feeling resentful that the rest of us were not doing as much for my parents as they were. (They live closest to my parents and their only child is grown.) It ended up with hard feelings all around and I was an emotional mess during the week. I did pick up that 1000 pound phone and talked to an AA friend, however, and that helped when the drink urge hit. I also got the aforesaid meetings.

Today I am grateful for:

Many months of hangover free mornings

The beautiful moon that was setting at 5:30 AM this morning when I drove my son to the meeting place for his school ski trip.

For meetings and my sponsor and the other people I have met through AA

For being greeted with hugs at a meeting

For my beautiful children

For raspberry sweet cream ice cream I had today after my other son's team won their basketball game

Six Months Today

2007-02-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe that today is six months sober for me. Half a year. I never made it this far before and I expect that I will continue on the sober path, one day a time.

Today I am grateful for:

Many many mornings with out a hangover

The support I get through AA and my online secular recovery group

That I received the strength to go to AA, as it seems to have been the thing that made a difference from all my previous efforts.

That the depression I've had for so long seems to be lifting

That I know I can make it through anything sober now

Weekend Update

2007-02-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

Things are going pretty well. Life sober is
better than life drunk though not trouble free by any stretch. I can't believe
it'll be six months in just ten days.

Last night I had a drinking dream and, although I'm usually a pretty lucid
dreamer, I struggled with trying to figure out whether this was happening in
real life or was it a dream. In the dream, I found myself at some kind of
gathering with a Budweiser in my hand. When I realized it, I struggled between
horror at the thought of losing my sober time--specifically having to count day
1 again--and the feeling of f*** it, who's going to know? It was like a devil
vs. angel struggle in my head. Then the lucid me started panicking, trying to
figure out whether I was dreaming or not. I awoke and had a great sense of
relief that it had been only a dream. I mean a real, deep down, to the bone
sense of relief.

Beer was never much my poison of choice, but I figure this must have stemmed
from a work gathering I attended on Wednesday night. On the spur of the moment, I ordered an
O'Douls. It was only okay tasting--my cranberry and ginger ale is much
tastier--but I didn't like the feeling I had standing there holding the glass of
what looked like beer and I swear I felt like I got a little tiny buzz from it.
My husband says there's not enough residual alcohol for that; that I must have
imagined it, but I really didn't like the feeling--I felt like my equilibrium
had been upset just a tad--and I won't be doing that again.

Which is all to say, that I really think sobriety is becoming a way of life with
me. Me? Uncomfortable holding a drink that looks like alcohol? Not liking the
feeling of my chemical balance being thrown off by alcohol? Huh??

It's all good. I wish I could say that about other areas of my life (job and
child issues going on at the moment) but overall my life has improved a lot
since I put down that drink finally last August.

Today I am grateful for:

Many days of hangover free mornings

The SNL short clip "Dick In A Box" that made me howl

Taking my mother grocery shopping today (being able to help out when I can)

The ability to sleep in on weekends

I'm still around

2007-02-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

Life has been kind of normal lately and I haven't had much to post.

Today I did ask Karen to be my sponsor and she agreed, although she told me she had been a lousy sponsee herself. My guess is that will be true for me. It felt like I was asking someone to the prom; I felt kind of stupid.

Anyway, we agreed I would call her every day around 5 PM to check in. This is a start anyway.

What else should I expect from a sponsor, folks?

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings without a hangover and many days without a drinking urge

That Karen readily agreed to sponsor me

That my Dad is home from the hospital today and seems to be better

That my brothers and sister who live closer to my parents than I do are so supportive of them and don't seem to hold anything against me

That we finally have a diagnosis for some of my son's issues (sensory processing disorder) and can hopefully give him the help he needs to overcome some delays he's experienced

For blackberry chocolate chip ice cream

For candles, football games, fireplaces and chinese food.

Miscellaneous Musings

2007-01-25T21:57:00.000-05:00

I've had a few things I wanted to post about this week but almost no time to do it.

First, I was called on to speak during a pick up meeting on Sunday of my group. I hadn't ever done this, but a woman there encouraged me to do so. I asked to be last on the list but she and the organizer put me first! I was terrified. But when I got up there, it was kind of amazing and the nervousness vanished and all I saw was supportive faces in the audience. I'm sure there were more than a few who wondered why I am there week after week without speaking. And it went okay. I don't remember a lot of what I said, but I was up there for a while and Karen, the woman who put me up to it, was ecstatic when I sat down.

Second, I think I'm going to ask Karen to sponsor me when I see her this Sunday. I still have been hanging back from that little task of getting a sponsor.

Third, I had one of those "you know you are getting used to being in the program" moments when I bought a cup of coffee yesterday and paid with a twenty, received 18 one dollar bills in change and thought "Good! 18 meetings."

Fourth, on the way home tonight, I was musing about my first love whose birthday was the other day. I haven't seen him in over twenty years (and never imagined I would ever say that). It's a long story but I often feel sad over the road not taken. (I ended the relationship. We were very young and I wanted to "experience life". HA! I realize now I wanted to party without him around putting a damper on things. Even then my disease was showing itself.) In any event, while I was feeling a little sad, a thought occurred to me--a certainty, a voice--that told me my life is exactly the way it's supposed to be and I'm with the person I'm supposed to be with. Wow!!! Revelation! I really felt it.

Anyway, tonight I am grateful for:

many months of no hangover mornings

a feeling that I am growing spiritually

that I don't have to drink anymore ever

that tomorrow is Friday and there is little planned for this weekend

that my husband is away for a couple of nights so I have some quiet after the kids go to bed

Five Months Today

2007-01-20T17:58:00.000-05:00

I hate to say it's my personal best after trying for four years, but there you have it. I feel great. I do not want to drink again, although that Little Bastard whispers to me sometimes, like today, when he thought I should celebrate five months sober with a glass of wine. LB is not the brightest star in the constellation, is he?
LB can't fool me because I know that there is no such thing as a single glass for me. I want gallons if I have any at all. I never want to feel another hangover again. So to celebrate, I am going on my first commitment of the group I belong to. I'm hoping they won't call on me to speak, however; I've never done that and not sure what I would say.

Today I am grateful for:

Five months of waking up without a hangover

A little quiver of joy when I realize I don't ever have to feel hungover again

That my children are healthy and happy

That we are having meatloaf and mashed potatos for dinner tonight (comfort food!)

My drinking spouse

2007-01-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

Jenna asked about what it's like for me to have a drinking spouse as I try to get sober. My husband is a "normie": he can take the drink or leave it although he likes Party (with a capital P) when he gets the chance. Mostly, though, he has an occasional beer or two on weekends and that's about it.

What does he think of his recovering spouse? I suppose I should just ask him. I think he definitely approves of the improvement on the home front in the sense that I'm not hungover, angry and irritable all the time (when I wasn't drunk that is). He seems to understand in a way he didn't before that this a permanent change for me. At least he doesn't make suggestions like he used to such as I should just try to cut back or only drink on weekends . He doesn't begrudge the time I spend going to meetings or online and he'll talk about my sobriety experiences with me; he doesn't change the subject immediately like he used to. In fact, I think for the first time, he would be really disturbed if I did pick up a drink. Now I'd have some explaining to do where previously he just kind of shrugged or seemed happy that I was ready to party again.

BUT (there's always a but), I still have a sense that my sobriety is all well and good provided it doesn't interfere with what he wants to do. If he wants us to socialize, I had better be ready to do so even if alcohol will be there. He does make sure I have nonalcoholic drinks and all (and is happy to take me home early if he can return to the party), but the concept of declining an invitation because it might be too much temptation for me is foreign to him. He gets bummed that I don't want to entertain much anymore, because that will involve serving alcohol (he can't conceive of having guests over without serving alcohol--I guess I can't either if they are normies.)

This is probably as good as it's going to get with him. We met because we both were party people and this is a big change for him. He's made progress in that he accepts that I can't drink moderately and that if I start again, I will be back to daily drinking. But he's never going to change his habits for me. The good news there is that he is not a daily drinker or an alcoholic. He does enjoy a good party and will stay until the bitter end with whoever is still partying, but he doesn't need to do that all the time.

I should also note that he is a nice guy, if a bit selfish on certain things. He doesn't want me to suffer; I think he just didn't/doesn't grasp what it is like to have this condition. It's out of his experience. I will say that he has never once made me feel badly that this is how I am, even if he is impatient with the impact on his lifestyle. No recriminations for being an alcoholic.

Memo To Self: Be Prepared

2007-01-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

Last night shook me up a little.  I had to attend a wedding. And I mean "had to" as the groom is a business partner's of my husband's whom I barely know and whom I didn't even know he was such great friends with.  This little event began with a big cocktail party on Friday night which I refused to attend. As I told my husband, someone I barely know does not claim two nights of my long weekend, especially for a cocktail party.  However, I conceded the wedding itself, which was last night. (Husband stayed out until 2 AM drinking on Friday, BTW.)

I was viewing this event as a major annoyance rather than anything I thought would be fun so I didn't worry about drinking or the desire to drink at all.  I wanted to just get through the ceremony and dinner and get home.  (This wedding also took place during the Pats-Chargers game to the trepidation of just about everyone there except the bride and groom. A woman at our table kept giving us cell phone reports from a friend throughout the game, which was entertaining.)

So I was extremely surprised about how strong the urges to drink were. It was a long cocktail hour and the waiters kept circulating with bottles of red and white wine in their hands so that no one's glass ever got empty. Except mine which contained seltzer!  We also seemed to be in a corner of the room where the appetizers never made it, which didn't help much either.  By the time we were seated, I was experiencing a major desire to drink and all I could smell was alcohol.  I did NOT drink; it wasn't an option, but I didn't enjoy the discomfort either. The folks at our table were all intent on getting a buzz on though, which didn't help.
 
I think one of the problems here was that I didn't engage in a lot of mental preparation for this event and for how I would handle the  drinking.  The result was that I was kind of blind sided by the desire to drink.  I did do some quick things that helped me, like telling someone I was with that I don't drink.  I felt that it was a bit of insurance that I wouldn't pick up as that would be going back on what I said to her, if that makes any sense.  I also immediately turned my wine glass upside down at the table and handed the champagne toast to my husband. If I'd had my cell phone, I would have called someone from AA, but I hadn't brought it with me.

Things got better once the dinner was served and I did manage to have a little fun at that point. The music was great and it is turning out that I can still dance sober. And the woman seated next to me helped remind me how I never want to go back to drinking.  She is this gorgeous woman -- smart, beautiful, great career, vivacious, all that -- and she was pounding drinks like there was no tomorrow. She had four straight vodkas while I was seated next to her plus several glasses of wine and champagne.  And this was AFTER the cocktail hour.  Eek. While she was a lot of fun as a dinner partner at first, as the evening progressed she got drunker and drunker (as did her boyfriend who could barely stand)and it was simply not pretty watching this progression.  I told my husband that I didn't ever want to be this person again (not that I had the gorgeous and vivacious thing going for me ever).

so I guess the moral of the story for me is not to take any event where there will be alcohol for granted...even if the event is a chore rather than something I am actually looking forward to.  I'm grateful to be up early this morning, sober  and feeling good.

--

Just checking in

2007-01-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to say the last few days. Things are going pretty well. I am amazed, however, that when I think I'm doing well in my sobriety and really getting the hang of this thing, how a craving for a drink can hit me upside the head.

Tonight, it was while driving home from work and chatting with my husband about boating this summer. We bought a boat and are looking for a place to moor it. The place he is looking at is where a number of people we know moor their boats. And according to my husband, it is very social. Apparently on Friday nights people have cocktail hours on their boats while docked at the marina. BOOM! Big craving to drink hits. I want to have cocktails on the boat like everyone else, yells my addictive voice. I want to have cocktails RIGHT NOW.

Fortunately, I was going to a meeting anyway and was able to slay that dragon right away. But it scares me how powerful the urge can be.

For those who asked about my dinner with my friend the other night, it turned out her husband came along and we did not have much of a chat about drinking. She did ask if I was a friend of Bill W's and I was proud to answer yes. She also drank quite a bit and got a bit sloppy by the end of dinner. I was glad to part company when she did. I do love her though and would like to tell her of my experiences with the program. Although I have never known her to have any inclination to stop drinking.

Today I am grateful for:

many mornings of no hangovers

fried calamari that I had at lunch--worth all 21 of the Weight Watchers points I had to pay for it

that I've got meetings to help me when the addictive voice gets strong

for a fun time rough housing with my 9 year old son. He still loves a good pillow fight, thank goodness.

Master of Fear

2007-01-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was asked to chair a Big Book discussion meeting. We read chapter 7 (I think that was the number)--Master of Fear.

I have not been much of a Big Book fan, preferring the practicalities of the Living Sober to the "born again" nature of the Big Book.

But I really liked this reading. And the discussion that followed. The part I really got a lot out of was the growth that the writer described after he put down the drink. He was able to move past his fears and his failures. This gave me so much hope because I believe that one of
the biggest problems my drinking caused for me was an emotional stuntedness and an inability to move forward in my life on nearly any front. I was stuck and I realize now that no growth was possible so long as I was drowning in a river of wine.

I also appreciated the part about not fondling the fun drinking memories. I have a tendency to do that and tomorrow night I will be having dinner with my best friend from high school with whom many of these fun memories occurred. She is also the person I had my last drunk with. I don't know if that was fun; I went into blackout and can't remember. I have pictures and all I see is two drunken middle aged fools. I put down the drink a few days later.

I've told her I don't drink anymore and I expect we will have a discussion about that. She is an alcoholic who has never tried to stop to my knowledge.

Tonight I am grateful for:

waking up hangover free for many days--months--now

for Scout, who sought me out and clued me in that my profile didn't show my blog. I had wondered why some of the bloggers to whom I post comments regularly never visited. I thought they had visited and perhaps didn't care for me. (I'm working on this characteristic of figuring it must be because I'm unlikeable.)

for a kickass meeting and being able to arrive early and having people know me, like me, and even want me to chair

that things at my job went pretty well today

that I have a whole weekend to myself while my husband and kids are off skiing

Happy New Year, friends!

2007-01-01T19:23:00.000-05:00

I wish everyone a happy and healthy New Year.

Health is on my mind a lot today. My Dad went back in the hospital on Christmas eve with chest pains and so spent Christmas there. He is fine, but lost a toe to poor circulation from a diseased cardiovascular system. He is home now and looks good.

I went to see Body World, the exhibit of human bodies with my kids this past week. Pretty fascinating. I was particularly interested in the pathological tissue. Seeing what the inside of hardened arteries look like, the brain after a stroke, the heart after an attack--these things really made me think of my health and how poorly I've been treating my body the last five years or so.

So today I started Weight Watchers. Even more importantly, I have resolved to take a thirty minute walk every day, rain or shine. It's not much but it's a start.

I am very grateful for many things today:

Waking up on New Year's morning with no hangover (can't say the same for dear hubby)

Enjoying myself with friends and good food last night and feeling comfortable enough to leave before midnight (left hubby there, we brought separate cars for that purpose)

The ability to change my habits to improve my health--there's still time

For a lovely day at home and a fire in the hearth

For home made vegetable rolls

That I made it through the holidays sober for the first time since my last pregnancy ten years ago. And it wasn't awful.

Merry Christmas friends

2006-12-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

I am typing this as I wait for my kids to fall asleep so we can finish wrapping presents and stuff the stocking. I'm very tired from having been up at 2 AM the last two nights in a row--last night with a child who didn't feel well and the night before when my drunk husband rolled in. I can't wait for this holiday season to be over.

Nonetheless, I do want to take a moment and wish all of you who read this a Merry Christmas.
This is my first sober Christmas and I am able to make it in part because of the support I get here.
It hasn't been easy the last few days. I've been going to meetings and picking up the phones and reading emails from my online support group. But I'm going to be okay and stay sober.

Tonight I am grateful for:

Unlike last year, I was not puking in the butcher shop parking lot when I went to pick up my roast today.

My 9 year old is still really excited about Christmas.

For a nice gathering of my family last night

For the ability to step back and take a deep breath when I want to strangle my husband

For Christmas colored M&Ms

For all my blogger buddies

Checking In

2006-12-18T19:08:00.000-05:00

Poor Mrs. Beasley. I'm glad I'm not her this Christmas season.

Well, I've finished my Christmas shopping, the decorations are up, the cards are mailed, the roast beast has been ordered.

The little bastard that is my addictive voice has been squeaking at me about how he thinks that I could have just one glass of red wine with Christmas dinner, maybe a Grand Marnier afterwards. What a joke! Like I ever wanted one glass of anything. I am determined to stay sober through this holiday season and the new year. It's over, LB. Give it up already.

Today I am grateful for:

Nearly four months of hangover free mornings

Having the aforesaid holiday tasks completed

Christmas cards I receive in the mail, especially photos of children. It's amazing how they grow so fast.

That my Dad will be with me to celebrate Christmas. We didn't think he'd make it back in September.

That I am able to squelch the LB

Six Weird Things About Me

2006-12-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

Designer Girl tagged me so here I go. Only six??

1. I am incapable of throwing out a Cooking Light magazine and I have subscribed for years. (I do at least cook from back issues.)

2. I plan daily menus in writing every week since I'm always starting Weight Watchers on Monday but then by Thursday I'm eating whatever I feel like.

3. The first career I ever considered was being a nun just like my first grade teacher.

4. The second was an airline stewardess at about age 10. (I'm neither).

5. Being in church makes me feel peaceful but I'm not religious.

6. Being on a desolate beach in the winter soothes me.

a visit with the pshrink

2006-12-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

I'm closing in on four months sober (why is it taking so long when time
flies?) and feeling pretty strong in my sobriety, which is fricking
marvelous given that the holidays have always been a major trigger for
me. Holidays and vacations. I am still taking the Antabuse, still
going to meetings, though not as much as I'd like this week. Yesterday, I visited my pshrink to discuss depression and anxiety issues. It looks like sobriety is
unmasking some big issues on that front for me, especially anxiety.
She's started me on an anti-anxiety med (Buspar) at a low dose and upped
my Celexa. Plus, I'm going to start some talk therapy. What I'm not
going to do is self medicate the problem with alcohol anymore. I was
very upfront with pshrink on the alcohol issues. I suppose this means that I'll never have cheap life insurance again, but
so be it.

So hopefully this will bring my emotional house into some semblance of
order.

Last night, I went to a holiday party. Although I am trying to keep it
low key this year and have turned down several invitations, this party
was in our old neighborhood that we absolutely loved when we were there
and we had not been back in several years. My husband in particular
really wanted to go. I am grateful that drinking alcohol was not an
issue for me. I was able to enjoy myself catching up with folks for a
couple of hours. After that, I made husband take me home. He went back
and proceeded to get bombed with a bunch of them. Hearing how one poor
woman (in her 50s with grown children) got trashed and nearly took out a
fish tank when she stumbled, and seeing the condition hubby was in this
AM, I am really really grateful that I don't DO that to myself any longer.

gratitude today

2006-12-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

Not much going on. I have been finding it relatively easy to stay away from a drink. Somehow I feel certain I will get through the holidays sober.

I am grateful today for:

1. A good performance review and a great bonus. I am full of self doubt and insecurity when it comes to my job and as usual, my first thought was that the people I work for just don't realize how bad I truly am. I can never feel right about my abilities and it is something I am working for. Right now, I'm just grateful that it worked out today.

2. A colleague who gave me some advice and support when I was having pre-review anxiety.

3. My 9 year old son making me laugh tonight.

4. I finally worked out on the treadmill after work today! Thanks higher power!

5. The Colbert report while I'm working out.

Oh and many mornings waking up hangover free....

This was a first...

2006-11-30T23:17:00.000-05:00

I chaired my first meeting tonight. It was a woman's meeting and a reading group (Living Sober). It was easy enough but it was weird to be asked.

There was a woman who was new to the group who was on her fifth day of sobriety. She was the last to share and expressed a lot of amazement over how much she got out of the meeting. I made a point of speaking with her after; I think we actually have a fair bit in common. I think she will return.

Today I am grateful for:

living sober today

people beginning to know me in the halls

feeling comfortable enough to reach out to a newcomer myself

Gratitude Found after a Crappy Day

2006-11-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

Today was a crappy day for me. I did a presentation for about 60 people and let my stage fright take over. (I am terrified to speak publicly but trying to get over it.) While I got through all the things that I wanted to talk about, I blew through it all in 30 minutes instead of the allotted hour in the program (it was part of a two day program). There were no questions after I finished up, so I was done way earlier than the program coordinators expected which threw them into a tizzy. It sure FELT like an hour up there on the dais. It was just awful.

My gratitude list for today:

1. The presentation was in the seaside town where my former babysitter lives so I stopped by to see her right after my presentation. She just had her fourth operation for what began as Stage IV colon cancer (when they discovered it) and has now spread. This last operation could not get at all the tumors. She is turning to an experimental treatment as a last hope. She has a two year old boy. She was diagnosed six weeks after he was born. How is that something to be grateful for me? It is a blessing to be shown right after a flop, that my problems don't amount to much in the scheme of things at all. Not at all. Thank you, HP.

2. After my visit, it was still light out so I went for a stroll on the beach (two days in a row..I'm doubly blessed). It was that late afternoon wintry light kind of time, although it was a warm day. The beach settles my soul like nothing else, except may be being in a church. (yes, being in a church calms me even though I'm not particularly religious). Or going to meetings lately.

3. After that I went Christmas shopping (blowing off the rest of the day completely work-wise). I managed to knock off a few presents and get myself a new pair of pants to boot. Retail therapy...ahh. I am blessed to be able to indulge occasionally.

4. I went to a meeting tonight (which is my sixth since last Monday) and there were great speakers who I got a lot out of hearing. Meetings really can be like medicine.

5. That it has been weeks--no, months--since I last awoke with a hangover.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blogger buds. Today, I think, might have been my first sober Thanksgiving, but maybe last year was. I can't really remember. I know I was trying to stay sober last year at this time. Anyway, I am sober today and that is what counts.

Today I am grateful for:

1. waking up hangover free this AM
2. getting to meetings three days in a row this week and all of them were good
3. a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with my family and my Dad at his place at the head of the table looking fit and healthy, if a bit thin.
4. the fun I had playing with my little thirteen month old niece..she is a cutie
5. a really fun music video/trivia game that we played after dinner
6. that I was not the drunk aunt at this gathering this year

90 days today

2006-11-17T07:12:00.000-05:00

I will pick up my chip on Sunday at my regular meeting. I wish it weren't like the third chip I've gotten for 90 days but it's the first 90 day chip I've gotten today as they say, so I guess that's something.

Thanks to all my blogger buddies for their support. Can you believe I posted three times this week??

I am also grateful today for:

90 hangover free mornings

that my husband got up early and drove my daughter to her pickup point for a school trip so that I could sleep in

that today is Friday

that I am going Christmas shopping with a friend tomorrow who is seeking some help on her own alcohol issues ( a chance to be of service)

my two middle schoolers brought home excellent report cards (despite some issues with my middle guy)

for hot coffee in the early AM

The thing about meetings

2006-11-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

I am feeling pretty good with my sobriety even though I'm coming up on the 90 day mark when I have historically picked up again. When I feel good, I don't like to go to meetings...I don't like to take the time out of my day, which like everyone else's is very busy, and from my family and head to a meeting.

But I listen to people in AA who talk about meetings as being so key. And I force myself to go. And every time I force myself to go I have been really glad that I went. Those are the meetings that I seem to get the most out of.

Tonight I had to force myself and it was a great meeting. Lots of really good sharing and lots of stuff that I needed to hear but didn't know I did until I heard it.

The topic was "sensitivity" and folks talked a lot about how they used to take everything so personally, the smallest things or things that turned out to have nothing to with them.

It left me trying to figure out if I'm sensitive. I have never thought of myself that way. I would probably use the term "self-absorbed" more. I have a tendency to view the world as "all about me" in the sense that I attribute things to be directed at me or think people are thinking negative things about me when in reality people have got their own stuff to think about and probably aren't giving me a second thought.

I think it is tied in with fear of failing and looking like a fool or looking stupid or incompetent. I worry quite a bit about this. Doesn't matter how many accolades or achievements I've garnered over the years, I can never get over the feeling that it is all a mistake, that people just haven't realized what a true dope I am. I am working so hard to put those feelings away and live in the moment.

Today I am grateful for:

waking up without a hangover

the wonderful women at my Wednesday night meeting

that I've been given so many opportunities in life

for the fun I had with my family this evening trying to get a Christmas photo

for the ability to let go of my soon to be 14 year old daughter and let her make her own choices, even if I think the combat boots she wants for her birthday are awful

uh oh I counted wrong

2006-11-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was 12 weeks, not last week. Well time flies when you are having fun. In some ways it is a good thing that I am losing count of my sober days because it means I am growing comfortably sober. Sorry about the confusion though.

I went to my Sunday meeting today. I have not been getting to meetings and I felt the lack this morning. Especially since last night I was out to dinner with some friends and everyone was drinking but me. It really is rather boring to be around people who are getting a buzz on and my husband was on a bit of a tear. At least he let me drive. He and another couple we know all got kind of loud and slurry. Then he invited everyone (there were six of us) back to our house when all I really wanted to do was go to bed.

He ended up in the yard around the firepit with one of the guys, who was going to walk home several miles by himself, drunk. I heard this guy leaving and ended up getting out of bed (I'd gone to bed by then) and driving him home. I had fears of him getting hit by a car or having a heart attack or something on the way home.

Then the drunken husband kept me up for another hour while he snored.

Drinking sucks.

But I am grateful for some things and here they are:

12 weeks and a day sober (really this time)

a pre-Thanksgiving turkey day dinner that I cooked tonight and everyone liked (I don't get to cook on Thanksgiving)

at least I got to take a nap this afternoon

California trip

2006-11-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm back from San Francisco and thoroughly enjoyed myself. It's a neat city, very different from my home base in Boston and even from New York. My favorite thing had to be the people watching--what a diverse population and there are some really...er, unique folks there. And friendly, even the bums on the street were chatty and some were quite creative about how they panhandle cash. We were telling my sister in law last night about one creative fella we ran into and it turns out they'd seen the same guy when they were out there! (He holds some tree branches so you think you are passing a bush then jumps out at you. It was funny in broad daylight anyway...)

The homeless population is a huge issue, though. There seemed to be homeless in every door way of every building. It was very sad and it was clear that addiction is a huge problem for many.

We did a lot of walking through the various neighborhoods and ate a LOT. Avocados are the most incredibly tasty thing...way tastier near where they grow than back home. I visited the farmer's market at the Ferry building and was in heaven. So many varieties of different produce, organic cheeses, yummy samples...I wish we had one like it in Boston. (We have Haymarket but that just sells the near rotten stuff that the groceries stores reject...it's not a real farmer's market.)

The only sobriety challenge was a Mexican restaurant where I envied my husband's margarita. But I had a very tasty tamarind agua fresca so I quickly got over it.

I very much want to visit again when I have more time to tour the surrounding areas. We did get to Sausalito but I'd like to drive the coast as well.

Gratitude list:

12 weeks of not waking up with a hangover

Guacamole made fresh in California with California grown avocados

A roof over my head

Feet that can do a lot of walking

That I don't mind a little rain (it was raining)

For safe flights

For my kids being happy to see me upon my return

Halloween post-mortem

2006-11-01T07:13:00.000-05:00

Lookee here, I figured out how to upload images to my blog! Zoiks!

Halloween turned out to be a tough one sobriety wise but I made it through sober. This may have been my first sober Halloween since I was a kid myself; I can't remember.

I am trying to take the rest of the week off and between trying to clear my desk at the office and still leave to get home in time for trick or treat, I had strong drinking urges on the drive home. So I picked up the phone and called my friend from AA who helped a lot. She wants me to call her every day so the pressure doesn't build. I feel very strange about that but I think I am going to take the suggestion.

The drinking urge stayed with me through out the evening and I wonder how much of it was old connections (Halloween = alcohol) and how much was due to my upcoming trip to California. (Vacation= alcohol and California = wine). I will not drink but I hate the discomfort of wanting to.

While I'm out in California, I plan to attend a few meetings, including a LifeRing meeting. Lifering is a secular recovery group that I belong to online and I would like to check it out and perhaps meet some folks I've corresponded with online.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up without a hangover, which I surely would have had if I'd drank

My Dad's turning 84 yesterday

Almond Joys! (I give them out for treats so I can eat them)

My upcoming trip--be back on Sunday

having someone to call when the cravings really get strong

my kids being young enough to really enjoy Halloween

too much boring chit chat

2006-10-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had to attend a work event. Tonight, I attended a neighborhood dinner party which is an attempt by one of my neighbors to get us all to bond. It actually is a nice idea and wasn't all that bad. Not as bad as the work event, where I only lasted twenty minutes.

It seems that without alcohol I have no ability to stand around and chit chat on a social basis. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and tend to cling to the few people I know rather than get around and meet others.

I hate that. I don't want to drink. But I don't like feeling this way at events either. And I can't avoid them completely. A certain amount of socializing is required at work as "team building" and it's the way working relationships are formed. As for things that don't involve work, my husband likes to socialize and I can't deprive him completely of the opportunity. He likes to drink occasionally too, although he only had a couple tonight.

Anyway it's made me grumpy and I suppose I better do a gratitude list:

tomorrow will be ten weeks of hangover free mornings

tomorrow we will celebrate my Dad's 84th birthday with a potluck party. In September it didn't look like he'd make 84 and I'm very grateful he is around for one more year of our annual get together

I am grateful that I HAVE a job that enables me to support my family

and that I have neighbors who care enough to try to get to know each other

doh!

2006-10-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

I meant hangover FREE in my last post, LOL!

Today I chatted on the phone with Kelly M., a woman in the Program who gave me her phone number a while back and keeps urging me to call her. Boy that phone is heavy. But I was glad that I did it in the end. I'm thinking I might ask her to sponsor me. She's got twenty years sobriety and a great sense of humor and is very easy to talk to. I'm just afraid she is probably in high demand as a sponsor.

Admitting my alcoholism

2006-10-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't yet reached the point where I can refer to myself as an alcoholic outside of meetings or when talking to my husband.

Tonight, I had dinner with some very good, very old friends. Over the years, I have partied very hardy with these two and we have all seen each other pretty wasted. And I have very fond memories of Lynn and I sharing a bottle of wine or two over the course of an evening while our then boyfriends were working. Not being able to do that ever again tugs at me, even though for several years it's been two bottles just for me. I think they probably know I have issues with alcohol although not the extent of it.

In any event, I did not drink tonight and let them know that I haven't in two months. I couldn't bring myself to say alcoholism to them but I made several jokes touching on it. I did ask at the end of the evening whether they thought I was still fun. (They said yes, what else could they say?)

We did have a nice evening and no one had more than two drinks so I didn't have to feel left out or bored while eveyone else was getting a load on.

I admit however that socializing is easier for me when I drink. I need to be very careful about socializing these days.

Tomorrow I will collect my 6o day chip (although it will be 64 days).

Today I am grateful for:

63 hangover days

my father is improving every day

that I have friends in my life who have been my friends for 25 years

that I don't need to hire babysitters anymore when I go out

for the dimple in my 12 year old son's smile

testing one two three...

2006-10-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

where did my blog disappear to?

Funny thing about meetings

2006-10-16T21:08:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting tonight, kind of half-hearted about heading out and leaving my family after being at work all day. But I'm glad I went. I'm finding more and more that when I make myself go, I hear things that resonate with me at that meeting. Tonight, there were several very good speakers. One old gentlemen reminded me of a very courtly Fred Astaire type and he was very funny and good to hear.

Another speaker, a woman, spoke of how unavailable she was when she drank. And how drinking filled a need in her...she was full of insecurity, doubt, fear. Drinking made those feelings go away but they made her unavailable to her children. I think that was true for me. I have lost a lot of time with my kids. I was physically present but completely tuned out when I sat drinking my wine.

Both speakers spoke of hope, however, and how being in AA gave them that. I think I feel a little bit of that, and I guess it's why I go even when I don't really feel like it.

Today I am grateful for:

58 hangover free mornings (I'll pick up my 60 day chip this weekend at my regular meeting)

the absolutely glorious October we have been having her in New England

a great conversation with my 12 year old son this weekend about my alcohol issues

my cutie pie niece who turned one a couple of days ago

that I don't ever have to pick up a drink again

Blogger lost my last post...

2006-10-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

I was beginning to feel sorry for myself that all my blogger friends deserted me since I hadn't been notified of any comments. Then it dawned on me to check.

Bummer, it was a brilliant post full of gratitude and sage wisdom for those in recovery, LOL.

Actually, it was full of gratitude. I posted it last Saturday with the news that my Dad has been released from the hospital to continue his convalescence at home. I am very grateful for that. I went to visit him and, although he is weak, he is so much better and so happy to be home.

I just returned home from a new AA meeting which I enjoyed. It's in a little coastal town here in MA and I drove the scenic route to get there and witnessed a beautiful orange moon rising over the ocean. I heard what I needed to hear at the meeting too.

Today I am grateful for:

51 hangover free mornings

living near enough to the ocean to drive there quickly

having a car that works to get me there

that my husband doesn't mind waiting for his dinner until after my meeting

for having a quiet day at work today which enabled me to clear off the mountain of stuff on my desk and creat a relatively clean work environment

A talk with my daughter; a visit with my Dad

2006-10-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

Today, for the first time, I acknowledged my drinking problem to my 13 year old daughter. We were talking about substance abuse among teenagers and the conversation veered towards alcohol use among teenagers. I told her that I'd been struggling for a while with trying to over come the problem. She asked if the meetings I attend are AA meetings and I said yes. That wasn't as hard as I expected. It feels like the air cleared between us a bit--that big elephant in the room was quiet but took up some space, I guess.

I sometimes wonder what my kids have thought about my drinking. I have never been a "get up in the morning" and drink type. Mostly it's been evening, with a large part occurring after they went to bed. If anything, they dealt with the hungover mom more than the drunk mom. But they have seen their share of drunk mom, especially when we were with grown up friends who drank.

Visited with my Dad at the hospital today. He is doing incredibly well. He can talk now and today was the first conversation we've been able to have in weeks. He's got a sparkle in his eye and his color is good. He's anxious to get home but he's still got some time in the hospital. Hard to believe he was near death's door three weeks ago. Looks like beat the devil this time around.
I am so thankful.

Today I'm grateful for:

43 hangover free mornings

my Dad's recovery

my daughter's acceptance

the beautiful fall colors against the grey sky today

cranberry and ginger ale

fresh pineapple

the gooey chocolate cake someone brought to my meeting today

Please welcome Musicman

2006-09-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

Please welcome a new recovering blogger to the blogosphere. Check out Musicman's blog. He could sure use some support on Day 2.

http://musicianfriend.blogspot.com/

checking in

2006-09-24T19:33:00.000-05:00

It doesn't pay to be late. I went to my regular Sunday meeting today and was too late to get my 30 day chip! Well, I got it after the meeting actually but I admit, I wanted the applause for staying sober especially after the last couple of weeks. LOL. Is this what they mean by ego?

Today is actually day 36 and you can bet I'll be on time for my 60 day chip...

My Dad has improved somewhat. He is still in ICU but they performed a tracheotomy and he is supposed to be able to talk again in a few days. He has life in his eyes which he didn't before and I sense that he is improving.

Today I'm grateful for:

My Dad's improvement

All the supportive comments I've got on the blog

All the support I've received from friends and co-workers during his illness

36 hangover free days

The beautiful weather we had in MA today

Still sober, still sad

2006-09-18T20:05:00.000-05:00

Today is 30 days again for me. I'm going to wait to collect my chip next Sunday at my regular meeting. I haven't been getting to any meetings at all lately as I've been mostly at the hospital with my Dad.

His condition remains serious. He went into cardiac arrest last Thursday (sorry if I already posted that) and the doctors started talking about "end of life decisions". We were all basket cases on Thursday, my siblings, mom and myself.

Then Friday came and they managed to wean him from the ventilator. We were overjoyed as they were very pessimistic they would be able to accomplish this. On Saturday, he was still off and he was able to communicate with us for the first time in a week. A little profanity from Dad about doctors and hospitals did us all some good.

But Sunday, he had a setback and he was back on the ventilator. We were all wiped out again. Today, he was alert but on the ventilator and unable to communicate. He was frustrated trying to use hand motions to let us know what was on his mind. He had a breathing episode while I was there which was scary.

It's been an ordeal. I still have Airplane moments, but I am holding steady in staying sober. I'm just really tired and sad these days.

Thanks to all for the support.

A Hard Time

2006-09-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

The past five days my 83 year old Dad has been in the Intensive Care Unit . He was admitted last week with chest pains and it turned out he had a "touch of pneumonia". However, he was doing pretty well according to my mother and brother and so I wasn't too worried. During his first night he took a turn for the worse. Apparently he was having a great deal of difficulty breathing and became quite agitated. They had to sedate him and put a breathing tube in. He's been on a ventilator since then. Worse, he has also suffered a major heart attack while he's been in the ICU. It's been awful. He is heavily sedated and full of needles and tubes and the upshot is my larger than life father looks like a small old man. A small dead old man.. when I first saw him he looked exactly like a corpse, that flattened look about the face. I, who don't handle ICUs well, lost it the minute I laid eyes on him....

He is a very sick man. His cardiologist, whom we talked to today, isn't offering any sugar coating...it is extremely serious. My father, according to the cardiologist, was a "house of cards" in terms of his cardiovascular system (he had a heart attack in his 50s and has high blood pressure and vascular disease, plus he's had several mini strokes--all this but he was as hale as anyone you ever met until last week.) The pneumonia was like pulling a card out and the house is falling. Even if he survives this, he will not be where he was. He will likely be an invalid for the rest of his life. It is so hard to see my father who was so strong and a real son of a bitch at times like this. Weak, frail. Near death. I'm not sure he would want to survive if it means he can't work in his beloved garden or walk his dog three times a day like he's always done.

I am upset, and stressed and feeling pretty lost. And I have really, really, really, really, REALLY wanted to drink the last few days. I have not given in to that impulse and I won't. Drinking will only prolong the grief that I feel right now.

Please say a prayer to your higher powers for my Dad.

Thursday Day 19

2006-09-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting last night which I enjoyed and which settled the craving for a drink that I was experiencing. After the meeting, I enjoyed a chat in the parking lot with the woman I met a few weeks ago. We do seem to have a lot in common besides alcoholism.

At the meeting, so much of the speakers spend time describing how grateful they are for the Program. I have to say, I can't really relate to that yet. I want some practical advice on how not to drink when my cells are screaming for alcohol. How did they do it??? But I'm shutting up and listening for the time being.

Today I am grateful for:

A hangover free morning

The fun party at dAAve's site the other day

Some nice September weather

Connecting with another alcoholic

That the school year is off to a somewhat smooth start.

That this is a short work week

There's a party goin on over at dAAve's

2006-09-05T20:47:00.000-05:00

Be sure to stop by and say happy sober third birthday to him! http://texandave.blogspot.com/

Audrey Kishline interview

2006-09-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

A friend on one of the recovery email lists I belong to posted this transcript (link below) from a Dateline interview with Audrey Kishline that apparently aired last night. It moved me to tears. It is so scary to think that I could be Audrey Kishline. Her story sounds so similar to mine--keeping it functional, deluding myself that I had no problem because I could keep my job, house, family, quit during three pregnancies. And I've prided myself so much over the years about how at least I never drink and drive. And I didn't. But Audrey's story proves how we don't have control over any of that. It would be so easy for me to pick up the keys and drive off in a huff or a fit of anger after I've been drinking.

I remember checking out Moderation Management years ago when I first thought I needed to do something about my drinking. I never tried it because I just couldn't imagine going thirty days without alcohol. (That should have been a clue to get to AA.) Now I know that there is no way I'd be satisfied with 9 drinks a week. What's the point? Straining at the chains, is how the interviewer put it. He's right.

I came away from reading this article much more thoughtful about Audrey, who I previously dismissed as some sort of hypocrite. What a tragedy this disease is. No drink is worth anything--sobriety is key.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032600/

My friend wrote and I agree: If you are at all in denial about your addiction and think that perhaps you will be able to moderate, please do yourself a favor and read about her life. Moderation doesn't work if you are truly an addict. Learning more about Ms. Kishline will help you stop the denial and commit more to total abstinence. If we don't ever take the first drink again. If we can come to accept that addiction is not a character flaw but something we need to take seriously and nurture ourselves around, then we can then get to the job/joy of building sober/clean lives.

Today is day 14. I am grateful for:

Waking up hangover free.

Getting 8 hours of sleep finally.

My recovery email lists and the support I get there.

That at last night's AA meeting I was greeted by a woman who remembered me from previous attempts. I've admired her and am thinking I might ask her to sponsor me.

That I've got a rainy lazy day ahead of me.

That my new backsplash is finally installed in the kitchen and it looks pretty good.

Wednesday

2006-08-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

I was away this past weekend for a wedding, Interesting. I'm glad I was on the Antabuse or I would have drank for sure. (Not sure if I posted that I am back on Antabuse.)

I think my sister in law (whom we stayed with) may be heading down the path that I've been on. We arrived around 3 PM or so and she offered us drinks twice despite the rather early hour. She seemed disappointed that no one wanted to start drinking immediately. She drank quite a bit in the course of the evening and referenced her own drinking quite a bit (she's fine with having lots of houseguests as long as there is plenty of booze in the house, she told me several times how she relaxes with her book and her wine at 5 PM on her porch each night, she is sure her recent weight gain isn't due to the two (just two!) glasses of wine she has each evening, she needs the wine to destress). We went shopping on Sunday and got home around 1 PM. She was surprised that our husbands hadn't "cracked the seal" and started drinking by then. That evening, at the wedding, which was at a country club, the ceremony didn't take place until a half hour after the stated starting time, and no booze was served during this wait. She remarked on this several times. She drank quite a bit at the wedding as well.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me being hyper sensitive to alcohol since I was only on day 8. (Day 11 now.)

The wedding was nice but with a very long cocktail hour and I was bored stiff. I didn't know anybody besides my husband's family and the groom. Although I chatted with a few other guests, I was just bored and my feet hurt. I must admit I missed being able to have a drink to make me more sociable. But it's never just one drink and I'm sure I would have been plowed by the time dinner was served if I'd been drinking.

The dinner was nice and the music was good and I was able to have some fun dancing. (My husband was very impatient with me at first--he'd had a few drinks and was ready to boogie. It's hard for me to want to dance without a few drinks in me first. But I eventually got in the mood even without booze--I mean, one has to dance to "Love Shack" at a wedding, right? What did people dance to before Love Shack was written, I wonder?) The evening was over relatively early--around 10:30--much to my relief.

I think the bottom line for me is that I need to steer clear of these boozy events as much as I can if I'm to stay sober. I just don't find a lot of fun in them, at least events where I don't really know many people very well. They make me want to drink.

Today I am grateful for:

Another hangover free morning

A good night's sleep

That I didn't drink this weekend

That it's Wednesday and there is a long weekend coming up

Friday day 6

2006-08-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting tonight and I'm really glad I did, although I think my parish priest spotted me. But I don't care anymore; I'm sick of keeping secrets.

The meeting was good but even better was meeting one of the members, a woman about my age, who lives in my town and whose kids go to school where mine go. I often have a problem relating to people at meetings, but this woman I chatted with for 20 minutes afterwards. She's someone I would like to go for coffee with I think.

Thanks for all the responses on sponsors. So what do you DO with a sponsor? Do you have to talk to them every day? How do you work the steps with one?

Today I am grateful for:

a hangover free morning

meeting Jane at the meeting

a day off from work

Starbucks caramel macchiato

getting a copy of 12 Steps and 12 Traditions from the raffle winner who didn't need it

all the people who responded to my questions

hangover free morning

2006-08-22T06:13:00.000-05:00

God, I love hangover free mornings. Mind you, I'm still bleary eyed from staying up too late finishing a difficult Sudoku last night, but it's a good bleary eyed...I also had a wild dream (this always happens to me in early sobriety) involving wars, floods, the Middle East etc...I tend to be tired after an active dream.

My gratitude list this AM:

For waking up hangover free

Sudoku (I love it!)

Leftover lobster salad in my fridge for lunch today

Living in a fairly safe area of the world (watched Spike Lee's Katrina documentary last night)

Question for my readers, especially Maui. How does one get a sponsor in AA? I've yet to figure this out. And once I have a sponsor, what am I supposed to do with her? Call every day? Work the steps? Just go to meetings?

take three...but this time it sticks

2006-08-20T18:43:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up with a horrible hangover. And the resolve to never feel that way again. I went to an AA meeting and joined it as a home group. (I've been there before.) I will do whatever it takes to not pick up a drink ever again. One day at a time.

I enjoyed the meeting. The first speaker went on and on, and I couldn't relate to his story of jails and rehab. But the second speaker was a woman who said many things that I could identify with, in particular about how we use alcohol to numb emotions. That is me in a nutshell. Feeling bad about myself, my family etc? Have a drink! No more.

Today I am grateful for:

Feeling like I can get back on track again.

For recovery groups--online and off, secular and 12 step.

For cranberry juice and ginger ale.

For knowing I will wake with a clear head tomorrow.

Take Two

2006-08-07T06:30:00.000-05:00

Stupidly, instead of going to a meeting, I went out to dinner and drank some wine. How is it that one can have so much resolve when one wakes up in the AM to have it gone in the evening?

Today IS Day One. I will not do this anymore.

My name is Donna and I'm an alcoholic

2006-08-06T09:27:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your many comments and checkins. I wish I could say I've been sober since Independence Day but today is Day 1 for me.

I am tired of living in this hell. I will attend an AA meeting this evening. I will do what it takes to stay sober. Antabuse and email groups have not been enough. Let's see where meetings can take me.

So much to live for and so much to lose if I continue on the path that I'm on.

Independence Day

2006-07-04T08:22:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm not grateful for anything. I drank again three weeks ago and have been drinking regularly since.

I also lost all of my favorite bookmarks when some thing called Starware hijacked my computer and took over my home page.

So today, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get back on track. I feel like a failure of course.

I want to be independent of alcohol forever.

what's that big yellow thing in the sky?

2006-06-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

That's how I felt when I awoke this AM and saw the sun...finally! It's been nothing but rain here lately.

I shouldn't be surprised because summer really doesn't start in New England until Fourth of July anyway.

Got outside and went for a walk, watched my daughter's softball game, and puttered in the garden for a bit. Went into the hot tub for a while too, but the pool was too cold with all the rain water.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up on a sunny morning without a hangover

For the Sunday AM online chat that my recovery group holds

My beautiful garden getting ready to burst into bloom with peonies and lilies and meadow sage

Hot fudge sundae for dessert at the local ice cream parlor

The folks who post on my blog

Memories of my Cape Cod summers (provoked by dAAve's question about summer jobs)

90 day chip time

2006-06-02T05:54:00.000-05:00

I can't decide whether time is flying or just the opposite. But it's 90 days since I had a drink. I felt a little less committed recently (I posted about it.) However, I am back on track. I think 90 days is my nemesis. It seems around 90 days that I've always relapsed before. Not this time, I say.

Gratitude list:

For 90 days of waking up without a hangover

For the red rhododendrons and purple alliums blooming in my yard

For the rabbit that has started visiting my yard occasionally (even if he's munching some of the plants--we've never had rabbits before)

For the ability to face career challenges without fear

For this delicious morning coffee I'm sipping, hangover free (hey, I'm doubly grateful to be hangover free!!)

For the people who comment on my blog

Saturday gratitude

2006-05-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

waking up without a hangover this AM

Lounging on the deck with coffee and the newspaper

A trip to the garden center with my daughter

A visit with my parents. I took my mother grocery shopping and then both of them out to dinner.
It was a nice time.

For time to myself while the kids and hubby are off at a Red Sox game.

That my urges to drink again have subsided once more

what's up?

2006-05-25T05:57:00.000-05:00

Not much. Except that I cut back on the Antabuse and have been having more drinking thoughts of the "summer's here, a little rum punch is in order" type. I hate that addictive self, always looking for an opening. It's nice that I am able to remind it that I had a lovely time without alcohol in the Caribbean, thank you very much, so there's no reason to poison myself just because summer is here. Summer will be far more enjoyable without falling into the alcohol trap again. Anyway, I decided to take the Antabuse twice a week to keep me on the straight and narrow just in case.

Today I am grateful for:

waking up hangover free

my garden and the new planters I had built into my deck, now filled to the brim with gorgeous annuals

some sunny weather (thank goodness!)

feta cheese, chicken, and roasted red peppers (yummy dinner last night)

for the upcoming long weekend

Not very talkative lately

2006-05-16T05:48:00.000-05:00

Just posting to say Hi. I don't have a lot going on except rain, rain, rain and more rain. I've been feeling kind of flat and sleepy for a week and I think it has something to do with the weather. I've also been thinking the Antabuse isn't sitting right with me. I'm feeling kind of queasy and dizzy on and off. So I'm thinking I will cut back to one or two pills a week.

I'm not sure that I need the Antabuse much anymore. When a drinking thought enters my mind, I'm surprised how quickly I reject it. It's like some corner has been turned. However, it's still not much time since my last drink--not even 90 days--although not early in my recovery (been on this journey well over six years). So I don't want to get complacent and think I won't drink ever again because my addictive self is a sneaky little bastard.

Today I'm grateful for:

waking up without a hangover

my garden getting nice and green from all the rain (hey, I'm trying to look on the bright side here)

morning coffee...sometimes I start looking forward to it at bedtime

a wonderful mother's day with mom and my siblings and extended family

my 9 year old son who was the first to wish me happy mother's day and couldn't wait until Sunday to give me his home made card. He gave it to me on Saturday.

A Sober Vacation

2006-05-06T20:24:00.000-05:00

The Carribbean was beautiful and I enjoyed every minute of it. And I know I enjoyed it more because of sobriety, not less. It made a real difference in the time I had. It was one of the first vacations I've had where I wasn't looking forward to the end and to getting back to my usual routines (after a week of excess). I was stress free, totally relaxed, I felt just great all over. I ate healthy and for the first time met my goal of taking long walks on the beach every day. The past four summer vacations, I was too hungover or groggy to fulfill that ambition.

The place that we stayed at was a smallish, very beautiful resort. We had a first floor condo that opened to a beautiful garden with several pools and swimming canals connecting them (the kids loved that), and lounge chairs spaced strategically for privacy and relaxation. The ocean (warm, crystal clear blue water--we work our butts off to get our pool to look like this every summer) was a couple of hundred years away, past a small open air restaurant. The resort had lounge chairs, tiki huts, Hobie cats, snorkels, kayaks etc. to entertain us. I tried parasailing (fun!) with my son and snorkeled quite a bit (beautiful reefs, fish, etc) as well as conch diving (ate what we caught for lunch).

The restaurant had a bar but there was not a lot of drinking going on at this resort. I don't think I ever saw more than two or three people at the bar at a time. Nor were there any loud late nights that I could hear. I don't know whether this was because it was school vacation week (lots of families) or because the resort was just not that kind of place but it was absolutely great for me!

Even my husband was well behaved--he had rum drinks and beer but not a lot by any stretch. He didn't get drunk and never suggested hanging out at the bar or letting my daughter babysit so we could go out. We also went on a snorkeling excursion with 12 other people and the guides were trying to have the guests finish off the rum punch they had brought. They were not successful.

I'd say the only twinge I had at all was when I was coming off the beach at sunset (I stayed on the beach and swam or read or walked until sunset just about every night we were there), there was a woman coming on to the beach to watch the remains of the day with a glass of white wine in her hand. It was a quickly dismissed twinge though.

All in all it was better than I dreamed of and alcohol would not have improved the experience one iota.

But it's back to reality now and has been for a couple of weeks. I hope I can go again next year!

60 Days Today

2006-05-02T07:06:00.000-05:00

It feels great, but it feels like it should be longer. It seems like a long time since I have had a drink or even really wanted one.

I've been playing catchup with my online recovery group ever since I came back from vacation, but will post about the vacation soon. It was my first sober vacation and it was fabulous.

Shwabee, feel free to print and use whatever is helpful in this blog with your group. Thanks for asking.

not just Good Friday but Great Friday!

2006-04-14T08:01:00.000-05:00

A bit blasphemic, but it's always a great Friday when I have the day off and the whole week off afterwards, plus I'm going to the Carribean--yee ha!

It has been a busy week and I've been hard pressed to read everybody's blog, let alone post on my own.

I have no concerns about not drinking on this vacation. My addictive self has made some complaints about no booze in paradise but I've been reminding him (my addictive voice is a guy, go figure) that there is no true relaxation in a bottle and Jimmy Buffett probably doesn't even drink anymore himself. Plus, I have kept on the Antabuse and will be back home before it is safe to drink again. (Trust in God, but row like hell...)

My gratitude list:

waking up every day since my last post without a hangover

that I get to go to the Carribean and take vacations with my family

for the spring peepers and their annual evening chorus heralding spring

for the beautiful full moon last night

for the Red Sox and April baseball

for the pedicure I am going to get today

THPIF (thank higher power it's Friday)

2006-04-07T06:03:00.000-05:00

This week has been a tiring one. I think I'm still a little off from the time change. I haven't been able to get to sleep until midnight so I've been draggy during the day. Can't wait to sleep late tomorrow. The only thing I got going this weekend is a fundraising party for the local schools. Alcohol will be there so I don't plan to stay long. I will have my husband bring me home after an hour or so and he can return if he feels the need.

Gratitude list:

waking up without a hangover this morning

it's Friday!!!

the news that I may get a new position at work and get out from under a nice, but grossly ineffective manager

the sound of my 9 year old son's laughter (albeit at his own farts)

a sunny April day

30 day chip

2006-04-03T07:15:00.000-05:00

today is 30 days for me. I'm happy to (once again) reach this milestone. I'm a little troubled that I haven't been forthcoming about my length of sober time with my online recovery group. They know I drank during the holidays but I haven't let on that it lasted well past that. It's just hard to face that failure yet again. But I wanted to let someone know anyway so you guys are it.

Today I am grateful for:

waking up without a hangover

sleeping until 10:45 on Saturday morning--eek!

new spring clothes that are pretty stylish even if larger than I'd like

the opening of my favorite summer restaurant

fried scallops

friends who don't even notice that I didn't order a drink

my sister's 40th birthday party and no temptation to drink whatsoever

my little 5 month old niece who really seems to like me

that there's an extra bed in the house for when my husband's snoring keeps me awake

Ratting out my addictive voice

2006-03-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

My addictive voice was pretty vocal today, thinking about my upcoming vacation in two weeks, as well as a fundraiser I need to attend next week. It's trying to convince me to stop taking Antabuse (I take Antabuse on the "pray for help, but row like hell" theory of recovery) and let myself drink for those events. So I'm ratting it out here.

I know I'm supposed to take things one day at a time but the little bastard likes to look ahead to possible mischief. In any event, I'm going to keep taking the damn pill at least until after the vacation.

Today I am grateful for:

another morning without a hangover

some interesting things to do at work

the vegetarian meal I made tonight and the brownie I followed it up with

my husband taking my thirteen year old shopping for clothes tonight

the beautiful weather we had in MA today

that tomorrow's Friday

still sober

2006-03-28T21:32:00.000-05:00

Made it through the ski trip no problem. As it turned out, the mom stayed behind with one of her kids sick and my son also ended up sick, so there was no drunk fest at all. I hate to be grateful for sick kids, but I kind of am!!

My son is feeling much better and I'm glad that I didn't drink. I did get some skiing in and it was a nice last blast for the season.

My gratitude list:

continuing to wake up daily without a hangover

skiing not half bad this weekend

mountain views

Reed's ginger beer

early to bed and early to rise

the Sopranos

a successful early business meeting

Fried--day

2006-03-24T07:02:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted; hence, the name of this post. I wish I could say I look forward to a restful weekend but my family is going skiing with another family, which will be anything but. Plus, the parents are drinkers and so I will have to endure the three of them (them and my husband) partying it up. I won't drink. I will excuse myself and go to bed early.

Gratitude list:

Waking up without a hangover. Will always be at the top of my list.

Morning coffee.

Audiobooks for long car rides

Black raspberry ice cream with chocolate chips

Deep sleep

Email from old friends

Email from new friends (including people who leave comments here)

For Fridays

gratitude

2006-03-22T22:21:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

waking up wonderfully refreshed and not hungover

the opportunity to learn something new at work

Dunkin Donuts coffee

Iggy Pop and Ipods

that my kids are old enough to be left alone for a half hour or so

that I'm silly enough to enjoy American Idol with them

home made crab cakes for dinner

recovery blogs to check out

celebrity gawker blogs to giggle at

a new book waiting upstairs for me and that I will remember what I read tonight when I wake up tomorrow

And I didn't think I'd have much to say in this post!!!

Monday Monday

2006-03-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for another weekend sober. It truly gets easier as time goes by to stay away from the jug.

I didn't accomplish much this weekend but I did visit my parents who live about an hour away from me. They are both in their 80s and Dad was hospitalized last week for an infected toe. The doctor was worried about blood clots, rightly so as it turned out. Dad didn't bother to shave while he was in and I was bit taken back by how old he looks when he doesn't shave. He shaved while I was there and it took a decade off of him at least.

I love my parents and I am going to miss them when they pass. We had a nice visit yesterday, catching up on some stuff. My brother showed up too with his new baby daughter so it was fun seeing the generations gather.

Drinking thoughts

2006-03-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

I was having little niggling drinking thoughts tonight. Probably prompted by feeling ineffectual at work and also by the fact that my husband is away for a couple of days. I used to like to get some wine and kick back when that happened.

But I didn't.

I also have thoughts creeping in of next week when another family is coming on a ski trip with us. These people like their cocktails and the thought of it is making me wish I could drink too.

I won't. WishI didn't have to do the weekend though.

I'm going to try to blog again

2006-03-13T08:55:00.000-05:00

I'm here and I'm sober. I wish I could say continuously since New Year's but I can't. However, I'm doing okay now and I feel good. I am going to try to blog more since being in the blog recovery community really helped in the past.

January 3

2006-01-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

Still hanging in there with the New Year's resolutions. Got up and on the treadmill at 6 AM. Stayed within my points total. And didn't drink.

Didn't get to a meeting today but I did go Sunday and last night. I picked up a 24 hour chip on Sunday for coming back and people were very welcoming, with one member bringing me around afterwards to meet some folks, and others offering up their favorite area meetings. Even ran into one woman whom I had known from when I used to go to meetings over a year ago.

Last night's meeting was also good. Ran into an old neighbor of mine who has a number of years of sobriety and was very welcoming. He was sympathetic about my problems with the HP notion and suggested the group of drunks approach. The meeting itself was okay. The speakers were hard for me to relate to as many had lower bottoms than I had. However, when they talk of not having feelings or drowning feelings with alcohol, I could relate.

Today, I couldn't make it to a meeting with the kids back in school, and homework and stuff, but I plan to go tomorrow. Phyllis over at Life on Whidbey also sent me some stuff to help with Step 1 and I plan to look at it this week.

I'm trying to keep an open mind here. I did get down on my knees and pray this morning and only felt slightly ridiculous.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

I start 2006 without alcohol.

Happy New Year, to all who read this.

How does your higher power speak to you?

2005-12-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting last night and there was lots of gratitude and lots of thanking the HP. No offense to anyone, certainly not the people at the meeting, but it all sounded like everyone had a script that said the same thing.

So how does your HP speak to you, really? Tonight, I found a dollar bill on my dashboard as I was thinking about drinking. I thought HP, if I had one, might be telling me I should go to a meeting. Then I thought I'm dead, because I can't go to a meeting tonight, without a sitter.

What are the signs? How do you know you are not just making it up in your head?

A Little Prayer That Could Help?

2005-12-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

I found this on one of the recovery blogs I visit now and then:

I pray for an open mind so I may come to believe in a Power greater than myself. I pray for humility & the continued opportunity to increase my faith. I don’t want to be crazy any more.

I think I want to substitute "addicted" for crazy. I don't feel crazy; I just feel like a drunk. I do think there is a difference. But what do I know?

I'm going to try to be active here again.