On Day 2

Well, made it through today okay. Was a bit antsy physically which I think is a bit of withdrawal. Snappy with my husband.

I went to another AA meeting. It was a speaker's meeting and on the way there, I had my usual internal debates about whether I really need to attend these and how I have never drank like some of the people in AA describe. I got there and as fate would have it, I heard lots of stuff I can relate to. A woman who described starting each day absolutely determined she would not drink that day, but finding herself thinking about when she could start drinking by afternoon. Then drinking, passing out, and waking at 3 AM with panic and dread. Going back to sleep to start the cycle all over again. I've been doing that at least 3 years now.

Another man spoke of finding out his liver was damaged by the drinking. I have had pain in the vicinity of my liver for a long time. Been too chicken to have it checked out and too stupid to cut out the drinking.

I also felt ambivalence tonight. My whiny addictive self telling me I'll never be fun again without alcohol; no one will want to hang out with me (meaning the moderate drinking friends--the heavy drinkers will ditch me quickly enough)

But I have tons of good reasons to stop it for once and for all: my children--I need to be a sober, available mother for them; my health--I know I have played with fire on that. My relationships--alcohol numbs me and my ability to feel. I think drowning feelings has been a large part of my problem. And to think I've wondered for years about why I feel so flat.


Well, enough for today. R.J. Adams, I appreciate your comments, especially about living in the moment. You are right; I can certainly focus on that and not the what may comes. I've been meaning to read "The Power of Now" for a while.