Wednesday morning

I'm on Day 4. Last night, I felt antsy but distracted myself with a movie. ("How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days"--recommended only if you like chick flicks and even then it's only a B-). Did the trick. The trouble with maintaining sobriety in the week and blowing it on the weekend is that I never let myself get past the cravings. So even while I'm sober, I'm not calm and content--just irritable and antsy.

Had the "what if" dream last night too which usually makes me want to pour myself a bottle or two of wine. The "what if" dreams involves my old boyfriend--we were together throughout high school and college and had planned to get married. My life took an entirely different direction and we split up. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, but he haunts my dreams on a pretty regular basis for many years now. I feel so unsettled when I have them--the dream is full of longing and regret and I just want to stay in them and not wake up. I feel very sad when I wake up. I figure this must be telling me something about my marriage, my choices, perhaps a midlife crisis that everyone goes through but no one talks about. However, I can't deny that the first love was the best love and I never felt that way with anyone else again. I thought it was youth, but maybe that was it and I missed the boat.

Then of course, all these thoughts are extremely disloyal to my husband, who is a good man, and deserves better than this.

I will not drink today. No matter what feelings I'd like to drown.