Has it really been more than a year since I blogged?

Wow!

I don't have time for an update now but I am still alive, still sober (I would have had three years in August but I drank on a day last May when I buried my father. I've been continuously sober since though.)

I will try to stop in and let folks know what is going on with me if they ever do come by to check anymore.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I awoke after sleeping late refreshed and not hungover and what a blessing that is. I am so grateful.

Last night, I had the privilege of speaking with my group at an alkathon. Thank heavens we were one of the early groups...I don't think I could have made it in the wee hours. I used to be so uncomfortable speaking at meetings and now it doesn't seem hard at all. I just say a little prayer that whatever I say might be useful to someone. I get good feedback so I guess I do alright. What a great way to end my first sober calendar year.

After the alkathon, my husband and I met up with some friends and went to a party. I only stayed for an hour or so and then went home to be with my kids and a couple of their friends that were sleeping over. Historically, my husband has stayed behind at this party and gotten shit faced with the guys. Much to my surprise, he arrived home shortly before the ball dropped and celebrated with us and our sparkling cider. My sons and their friends took pots and pans and banged them out on the front lawn to celebrate. It was truly fun and a blessing to be there and be sober. (Right now, the kids are engaged in the most competitive game of Risk I've ever seen..they haven't even expressed an interest in breakfast yet...for teenage and tweenage boys, this is amazing. My teenage daughter is still sleeping...too exhausting being in charge of her brothers and their friends for a few hours last night, I guess.)

I can't believe it's 2008. When I was a kid, I remember calculating how old I'd be in various years in the future and the 2000's seemed an eternity away. How the hell did it get to be 2008 so fast?? I'm thinking of leaving the Christmas stuff up because it will be back in ten minutes, lol.

Today I'm grateful for:

A whole calendar year (and many days on top of that) of hangover free mornings

That I find comfort in being part of the fellowship, as well as personal growth

That my husband didn't get drunk last night. He's not an alcoholic, but it still is hard for me to be around someone abusing alcohol

For a clear and beautiful day today

That I don't have to resolve to get sober in 2008 (though I do have to resolve to lose weight; some things never change, after all!)

Merry Christmas, sober buddies!

This is my second sober Christmas and it has been very pleasant. I have my MIL and FIL here and we had the traditional chicken lasagna dinner last night (and MIL cooked it, yay!)

The present orgy is over and we are very blessed with a bountiful holiday in that department. The best part is not being so hungover that I can't deal with the kids' excitement. Today, I was part of it.

I am most grateful for that.


I expect a quiet day and a wonderful feast with roast beast this evening.

Merry Christmas, all!

gratitude on Sunday

today I am grateful for:

Dan Fogelberg's music and how much I loved it, especially during my teen years. Dan died of prostate cancer today. I hope he rests in peace.

for Itunes and Ipods, where I can download the music that moves me

for snow on the ground at Christmas

for a quiet day at home weathering a Nor'easter

for no desire to have a "storm party" and the certainty that I will awaken hangover free tomorrow.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings--months and months--of no hangovers

That my cold is just about cleared up

That AA is teaching me to stop trying to control things

That my performance review was not as traumatic as I thought it would be at work today.I've been given goals to work with and that's good. Now, if I only get some management assistance...

That Christmas will be quiet this year, just my husband's parents and us

That my daughter is pleased with her winter concert band performance this evening. It was fun.

Comment Moderations

I guess I need to moderate the comments to avoid being Mickied again. Sigh...

Step One

I've been a member of the AA program since I got sober, but have never done the steps. I really want to do them, and now that my sponsor has decided to start a women's step meeting in her home, I jumped at the chance. We are reading 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, a book which I've owned for a while but never read.

Step One is admitting I am powerless over alcohol and the my life had become unmanageable. This has been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I am a high bottom drunk. I never really had the jackpots other people had. And without them, the thought that maybe I could drink again likes to make its way into my brain space on occasion.

So it's good to focus tonight on the ways my life had become unmanageable due to alcohol and how I was powerless over it:

Waking up every day feeling like shit, bloated and hungover.

Swearing that I would not pick up a drink that day, and really meaning it, only to find myself at the package store picking up wine that evening.

Being depressed, stuck, irritable, angry, incapable of any emotion but negative ones.

Shutting my kids out emotionally, as well as my husband.

Drinking more than I intended to every single time I picked up a drink. Hating it when I had to drink more slowly in case others noticed. Impatiently waiting for the server to come back and give me a refill when I was out at a restaurant. Stocking up on lots of wine, in case I had to share with company.

Drinking before the party and afterwards to make up for the moderation I had to endure while AT the party

Blackouts--driving my kids home in a blackout one night. Especially when I prided myself on the one thing that I never did at least was drive drunk.

Sneaking vodka into my cranberry juice when the one bottle of wine I had promised myself I would limit myself to ran out before I got the buzz I needed.

Ignoring the pain in my right side for four years because I was afraid it might mean I had physically damaged myself by my drinking. And continuing to drink all those years.

I am so grateful today that I am sober.

I do not want to go back out to prove that I am an alcoholic and to make my life any more unmanageable than it was. I was lucky to get off the elevator before the DUIs, the jackpots, the losses that I could have had if I had continued on the path I was on.