Monday, February 21, 2005

Long weekend recap

Well, I forgot completely how great it felt to stay sober and drank Friday and Saturday night. It started with my husband inviting me more or less to drink. "Are you drinking tonight? Because I'm going to." My sober self argued but did not put up too much of a fight. I've since told him I don't want him mentioning drinking around me anymore. I don't want to drink anymore and if he plans to, he will be doing it alone and please don't announce it before hand.

Husband has never said much about my drinking. He doesn't want to talk about it; when I've gone to meetings he doesn't want to hear about them. I'm not sure what his not saying anything signifies. Not caring or not wanting to rock the boat and let me reach my own conclusions. I know he wishes I could drink normally as he likes to go to parties and such.

In any event I didn't drink Sunday or today. Sunday I went shopping with my daughter for jeans. We went to the juniors section for the first time, hoping to find a pair with some length to them. She's very tall for her age and very lean. She found some easily. Then we went looking for a pair for me. Forget it. I used to be tall and lean. Now I'm just tall. That didn't stop me from eating a burger and fries with her, however. It was fun being out just she and me and I did end up with a few new things for spring.

Today was a cocoon kind of day, snowing all day. Slept in, got my workout in early, organized some pictures of my kids, managed to put away all the artwork, report cards, mother's day cards and other kid stuff that I want to preserve for posterity in the attic. Then after dinner, watched American Idol with the kids. I hardly ever watch tv, so it was an experience. God, there is some really bad music out there.

I did watch "All About My Mother" directed by Pedro Almovar, with my husband last night. It was a good flick although as often happens with European films we were left wondering what it was all about in the end.

Short work week this week as I am taking Friday off for a ski trip with my family. I like being home, but we haven't done much skiing as a family this winter so I think it's time.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I feel good tonight!

I had a busy day at work and it was a successful day. I did have a crew try to blindside me into giving a different answer (yes as opposed to no) than my predecessor in this job. However, I was able to push back and I think they realize now I won't be a pushover either.

Had my usual witching hour cravings but I tried some techniques from this book about REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) that helped me deal with them by talking back to them rationally. ("I know you want a drink but you will do better without one for these reasons: health, career goals, personal growth, absence of trouble....) Anyway, it got me in the door and there's no wine here.

I had a reprieve from my son's math homework (yay, he didn't have any). He is having a hard time so I've been walking him through it every night--not doing it for him though, I hate when parents do that. But he gets frustrated and it's a bit exhausting for me. Then I did 35 minutes on the treadmill at a fast walk. When I finished I felt great! Need to keep that feeling and remember when tomorrow's cravings come.

Then enjoyed a lovely late fish dinner while staying on my WW programs. I feel successful today.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A Good Day

Today, I was busy at work but it successfully so. I'm starting to become known around the company (which is a huge one) and people are coming to me for my help. Makes me feel competent.

Had an enormous craving and would have caved, when my husband said he'd had a bad day and wanted a martini. I said "well, then you will have to get me wine." Hoping he'd say no and hoping he'd say yes, if you know what I mean. He changed his mind about the martini; guess he wants me sober.

That was on the drive home from work, which is the hardest part of the day. I know if I can get safely in my front door without having stopped at a packie, I will not drink.

Stayed on my exercise and weight loss program (35 minutes on treadmill, weight watchers) and feel pretty darn good. Even had enough points left for a chocolate pudding with Cool whip for dessert. Oh yummy decadence!

Question: How does one add links to other blogs to one's own? I'd like to post links to the ones I follow.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Back again

On day 2 of sobriety and my weight loss and exercise plan. One gives me motivation for the other. Of course, it is always easy for me to do both on Mondays and Tuesdays. It's the end of the week that kills me on all fronts.

Not this week. I even got on my knees and prayed a la AA this morning. I feel slightly ridiculous as a borderline atheist or serious agnostic, what have you. But it does seem to offer a bit in the way of committing myself.

Today was a good day. I have a new job (I've been there six months, but it's still new, trust me.) There are days I feel like I know nothing and days that I feel like maybe I have some value. Today was a good day.

Ended the day with a delicious salmon dinner, so feeling healthy and strong tonight.

See, I told you I was boring. But thanks to all who commented on my return.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Back in the saddle again

I'm back. I was struggling with whether to continue this blog or not for several reasons, not the least of which is I am still drinking. But also, because of the anonymity thing. It is very strange indeed that I am perfectly comfortable describing my life, my thoughts, my feelings etc. to people I don't know, but that the thought of anyone recognizing from my posts that it's actually me writing this blog terrifies me. Go figure. What does that say about my capacity for intimacy.

Anway I'm sober tonight. Thanks for checking in on me, Grace and Faith. I've been over to your blogs during my absence but haven't posted much.

Lately, I've had some physical stuff going on--surgery on my face (see! that's an identifier) plus some painful dental work. Skipped the tylenol with codeine only to medicate myself with copious amounts of wine.

Have been coming to grips with some career stuff, mostly along the lines of reconciling myself that I don't have much in common with my friends who don't work outside the home anymore. To the point that when I was out with them last week, I had nothing to say. And they didn't bother to ask me about my life. I actually went home early after only two drinks. (Now there's a miracle.) It was actually a sobriety booster in that I no longer feel the need to not quit drinking because I'll be missing girls' night out.

Anyway, that's all for now.