I am feeling pretty good with my sobriety even though I'm coming up on the 90 day mark when I have historically picked up again. When I feel good, I don't like to go to meetings...I don't like to take the time out of my day, which like everyone else's is very busy, and from my family and head to a meeting.
But I listen to people in AA who talk about meetings as being so key. And I force myself to go. And every time I force myself to go I have been really glad that I went. Those are the meetings that I seem to get the most out of.
Tonight I had to force myself and it was a great meeting. Lots of really good sharing and lots of stuff that I needed to hear but didn't know I did until I heard it.
The topic was "sensitivity" and folks talked a lot about how they used to take everything so personally, the smallest things or things that turned out to have nothing to with them.
It left me trying to figure out if I'm sensitive. I have never thought of myself that way. I would probably use the term "self-absorbed" more. I have a tendency to view the world as "all about me" in the sense that I attribute things to be directed at me or think people are thinking negative things about me when in reality people have got their own stuff to think about and probably aren't giving me a second thought.
I think it is tied in with fear of failing and looking like a fool or looking stupid or incompetent. I worry quite a bit about this. Doesn't matter how many accolades or achievements I've garnered over the years, I can never get over the feeling that it is all a mistake, that people just haven't realized what a true dope I am. I am working so hard to put those feelings away and live in the moment.
Today I am grateful for:
waking up without a hangover
the wonderful women at my Wednesday night meeting
that I've been given so many opportunities in life
for the fun I had with my family this evening trying to get a Christmas photo
for the ability to let go of my soon to be 14 year old daughter and let her make her own choices, even if I think the combat boots she wants for her birthday are awful