Tuesday, May 31, 2005

30 days --where's my chip?

Day 30 here. I'm tempted to go to an AA meeting just to get my chip but I don't know where any chip meeting is on Tuesdays.

I haven't returned to AA meetings yet. The antabuse is working so well, plus my email support lists and recovery blogs, that I haven't felt the need to add meetings yet. I hate leaving home at night to go to them. I will if things looks slippery though.

Made it through the holiday weekend okay. I did have more cravings and drinking thoughts than I've been having. Partly due to associations--finish gardening, pour a drink kind of thing.
It didn't help that we had people over for dinner. A couple of the guests got a buzz on and when you don't have one going yourself it can be a bit of a drag. I'd rather not entertain like this but my husband wants to. We did owe a few social invites and for the most part I don't think anyone even realized I wasn't drinking until my 10 year old piped up that "mom can't drink alcohol anymore" when I was putting a carafe of seltzer on the table. They were pretty much concentrating on getting their own buzz going.

I got a huge amount of gardening done this weekend and also took in the new Star Wars movie with the kids. The movie is way serious. I loved the humor of the original Star Wars myself but then I'm an old lady, what can I say. The kids loved it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

day 23

Still treading the sober path here. Feel pretty darn good actually. The only cravings I have been getting have been sort of advance cravings about my sister's wedding coming up and the events associated with that. It will be a big drinking crowd.

Even typing that my addictive voice stirs. I am trying very hard to think the events through. To imagine myself getting through them just fine without drinking. As I think I wrote here before, the wedding and the parties will go off as planned whether I drink or not. Why do I feel I will need to have anything but seltzer in my hand? Why not see what happens and what kind of time I have without drinking instead of listening to my addictive voice tell me I can't have a good time if I don't drink. He has no proof, he's never done it before!!!

I have also gotten off my diet somewhat. I was doing South Beach but I've been cutting myself some slack on the eating given that I want to focus on the not drinking. So I will be a matronly matron of honor, I guess. I have been doing yoga and treadmill the last few nights and want to get into a regular routine with that. Better to exercise during the witching hour than crave a drink.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Saturday night

It's Saturday night and I'm sober and a little at loose ends. I don't mind being sober; I just feel like I'm not sure quite what to do with myself. My husband's away and I was with the kids. I went to my son's soccer game, got some paint samples for the bedroom. It started to rain so I couldn't do my gardening as planned. (It has been raining every weekend all spring here in New England. Grrr. ) So I splashed some paint on the bedroom wall to see if I liked the colors. Knowing me, those splotches will be there for a year before we actually paint!

I built a fire, I did the laundry. The kids had some friends over, so I did read by the fire a little and then did a yoga video. I made chicken for dinner, I watched a stupid movie "Dodgeball" with the kids (they loved it). Then mixed a cake up and put the kids to bed. The cake is baking and I'm wondering whether to go to bed after it's done or watch Lindsay Lohan host Saturday night live (morbid fascination here...she seems to be going down the party tube very quickly.)

Anyway, if I were drinking I wouldn't have done half of that. Funny, the day goes a bit more slowly without that bottle or two of wine.

Hey lookie! I finally figured out how to link to the blogs I read!! It will take me awhile to add them all, however!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Day 17

It's day 17 of sobriety and I finally feel like I am on the right track. The Antabuse is really helping; the choice to drink is taken away from me every morning so no more impulse drinking.

I am liking it for the most part. My addictive self was none too happy the first week but he's quieted down considerably (it's always a "he", I don't know why) and for the most part I'm doing just fine. I do have some trouble concerning my sister's upcoming wedding. Weddings are big parties in my family and not only do I have the wedding, but a "jack and jill" bridal shower (read: keg party) that the other bridesmaids insisted on. I plan to stay on the Antabuse, but the addictive voice keeps trying to plot my going off it in time to allow me to drink at these events.

I keep telling myself there is no reason that I can not have fun without drinking at the parties. The food will be the same, the music will be the same, the guests will be the same whether I have a drink in my hand or not. What will adding liquor give me but a momentary buzz and probably blackouts and hangovers?

Beyond the wedding, I have had dinner engagements both weekends since I quit, with another one happening this weekend. I've been letting people know I'm not drinking ahead of time, although I may not do that with these friends who are not likely to put any alcohol in the food (a big concern for me right now with the Antabuse).

Other than that, I'm just slogging along living my life. Have a terrible head cold today and stayed home from work.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Day 12 still sober

hi all: still sober on day 12 and it's a Friday night. Woo hoo. Instead of my usual Friday wine a thon, I played Scrabble with my 8 year old son and 12 year old daughter. They are both pretty good--my brain girl can play as well as me (and like Dumbledore said "that's saying something"). My 8 year old is much improved and blew me away by how fast and accurately he could add up scores. So much more fun than drinking.

I am lucky not to have been too troubled by cravings today. Nonetheless, I'm sticking to the Antabuse for the foreseeable future.

Monday, May 09, 2005

I'm back and sober

I've been away for quite a while...My trip overseas was fantastic. What a beautiful city Paris is. I didn't see nearly everything I wanted to see and I could have just stayed and idled the days away as it was. I loved the old buildings, the cafes, the beautiful public spaces, the gardens--the flowers were so beautiful. The monuments everywhere. It was truly incredible and I long to go back again.

Since I came back, I've had a couple of business trips (talk about jet lag) and catching up with my email lists alone took forever.

I also started Antabuse. I have lots of mixed feelings over this but I have 8 days sober, with the last two being relatively craving free (forget about the first few! Ugh.) My addictive voice is down to a whimper, trying to convince me to go off it just in time to drink for a big family event I have coming up this summer. I suppose that is better than trying to convince me not to take it until after the event and continue to drink. I do dread attending an event where everyone else will be partying without being able to partake myself but if not now for sobriety, then when? There is always some reason not to quit just yet, and the bottom line is that the amount I was drinking (at least one bottle of wine every night and sometimes more, always more if it was a weekend night). I really don't want to have to start all over again. And I can't deny that I feel great when I get up in the morning--well, maybe not great, but good. I think my body is healing and I've been a little more tired than usual.

Anyway, I take the pill in the morning and then the decision not to drink is made for awhile and I can concentrate on figuring out how to live sober. So it's working for me.