Thursday, October 28, 2004

white knuckle time

Day 5 was hard and I almost caved. I woke up feeling great and stayed that way until afternoon, when little niggling drinking thoughts kept popping into my mind. About how some wine would be great tonight, just one bottle you'll hardly have a hangover in the morning. I battled the voice with self talk, about how I really need to be sober, I can't do this to myself anymore, I've been enjoying not being hungover and want to continue. The voice turned to tomorrow night--Friday! You can drink on Fridays! How about just drinking on Fridays and Saturdays until New Year's and *then* you can quit for good. It'll be so much easier after the holidays anyway. I told the voice maybe and that quieted it long enough for me to get through a school event with my kids, cook dinner, and get to my computer. Now I don't crave and I *don't* want to drink tomorrow night either.

My husband just informed me that I'll have to drive home from a family party on Saturday night which means I cannot drink even if addictive voice wants to. (I don't drink and drive ever.) So I just have to get through tomorrow night. I plan to hit a meeting directly after work.
Although I may not like all that I hear, I can't deny that going to a meeting quells my urge to drink.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Still sober on Day 4

I appreciate the comments (and the book suggestions) from R.J. and Caboose.

Bad cravings again today at my usual witching hour, the end of my work day. Went to an AA meeting and that helped a lot. It was a woman's meeting at my church and I've never gone, being very apprehensive that someone I know might see me going in. Kind of illogical, there should be no shame in getting help, but I can't help feeling that alcoholism is shameful and something to hide.

The meeting was okay; I enjoyed seeing some new faces. A lot of God talk and "how grateful for this program I am" stuff. I didn't share anything because I just don't get into that part of AA. I'm glad there are meetings to go to, but I'd just as soon not have to go to them to stay sober. If I could do it on my own, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I think I have a lot of ambivalence about quitting for good, but I'm afraid to wait any longer to firm up my resolve. I just have to believe that sobriety is better. I did have a few moments today of feeling well and that all was right with me. Like a glimmer of an awakening or something. I need to build on those.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Day 3 and still sober

Had to fight some terrible cravings this evening that made me very antsy. The addictive voice kept suggesting that I should not quit until after January 1, when I quit for nearly 90 days last year. However, I know that would mean I would double my intake trying to get it all in as much drinking between now and then as I can. Don't want to do that anymore.

I muddled through the evening (Go Sox!) without caving in and by 9 PM or so, I felt pretty good and past it. I wish there was a way to stifle that addictive voice though. It keeps trying to make bargains with me.

Monday, October 25, 2004

On Day 2

Well, made it through today okay. Was a bit antsy physically which I think is a bit of withdrawal. Snappy with my husband.

I went to another AA meeting. It was a speaker's meeting and on the way there, I had my usual internal debates about whether I really need to attend these and how I have never drank like some of the people in AA describe. I got there and as fate would have it, I heard lots of stuff I can relate to. A woman who described starting each day absolutely determined she would not drink that day, but finding herself thinking about when she could start drinking by afternoon. Then drinking, passing out, and waking at 3 AM with panic and dread. Going back to sleep to start the cycle all over again. I've been doing that at least 3 years now.

Another man spoke of finding out his liver was damaged by the drinking. I have had pain in the vicinity of my liver for a long time. Been too chicken to have it checked out and too stupid to cut out the drinking.

I also felt ambivalence tonight. My whiny addictive self telling me I'll never be fun again without alcohol; no one will want to hang out with me (meaning the moderate drinking friends--the heavy drinkers will ditch me quickly enough)

But I have tons of good reasons to stop it for once and for all: my children--I need to be a sober, available mother for them; my health--I know I have played with fire on that. My relationships--alcohol numbs me and my ability to feel. I think drowning feelings has been a large part of my problem. And to think I've wondered for years about why I feel so flat.

Well, enough for today. R.J. Adams, I appreciate your comments, especially about living in the moment. You are right; I can certainly focus on that and not the what may comes. I've been meaning to read "The Power of Now" for a while.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Day 1

It's here. I'm hungover. What else is new?

Actually, I didn't get totally hammered last night. I had my husband take me home at a reasonable hour (he went back and got totally hammered it looks like--10 AM and still in bed.)
But this is the last Sunday that I will wake up feeling tired and groggy and generally gross.

AA says One Day at A Time. I have never done really well with that since my addictive self views that as license to drink tomorrow. So, for me I will use a 90 day block. I don't plan to drink ever again, but I certainly won't drink before January 21, 2005 (I think that's 90 days.)

Last night, there was a guest at the party who had quit drinking; I'm not sure what his reasons were. He showed up with a big bottle of Coke and no one cared that he wasn't drinking. I'm going to be that person next time. Although, I think I'm going to stay away from temptation for the next few weeks.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I'm going to quit drinking.

Tonight is my last glass of wine. Starting tomorrow, I am going to win what has been a two year odyssey of stopping and starting and trying. I am using this blog to keep a journal of my efforts and to gain any wisdom from others on the journey who might care to comment here.

The reason I choose tomorrow and not today is wimpy but I think makes sense. I have to go to a dinner party where alcohol will be served. I don't believe I could be around alcohol on day one.

Tomorrow, I will attend an AA meeting in the morning. I'm not a big 12 step believer but the successful sober periods I have managed have been when I attended AA.