Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Wednesday morning

I'm on Day 4. Last night, I felt antsy but distracted myself with a movie. ("How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days"--recommended only if you like chick flicks and even then it's only a B-). Did the trick. The trouble with maintaining sobriety in the week and blowing it on the weekend is that I never let myself get past the cravings. So even while I'm sober, I'm not calm and content--just irritable and antsy.

Had the "what if" dream last night too which usually makes me want to pour myself a bottle or two of wine. The "what if" dreams involves my old boyfriend--we were together throughout high school and college and had planned to get married. My life took an entirely different direction and we split up. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, but he haunts my dreams on a pretty regular basis for many years now. I feel so unsettled when I have them--the dream is full of longing and regret and I just want to stay in them and not wake up. I feel very sad when I wake up. I figure this must be telling me something about my marriage, my choices, perhaps a midlife crisis that everyone goes through but no one talks about. However, I can't deny that the first love was the best love and I never felt that way with anyone else again. I thought it was youth, but maybe that was it and I missed the boat.

Then of course, all these thoughts are extremely disloyal to my husband, who is a good man, and deserves better than this.

I will not drink today. No matter what feelings I'd like to drown.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Still here

I'm still here but back to Day 2. Thanks for asking about me, RJ.

I try to examine my triggers. This weekend was started with a visit from out of town friends whom we always party with. I had resolved to just not drink but enjoy dinner and good conversation. But I just felt like such a bore.

My mother used to tell me you can have fun without alcohol. I never really saw that my parents did, and sure seems that alcohol is involved in just about every grown up social event where I live.

Alcohol has stopped being fun, when I can't stop once I start, and where I have to waste a day recovering from its effects.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Tuesday--Election Day

Not much to say. I didn't make it to a meeting but I didn't drink either. I did go to an online chat at a website I like, but not feeling any strong cravings tonight except for an interval where my kids were acting up. But had a lovely dinner (chicken cacciatori, yum!) and it passed.

I want to get to a meeting tomorrow, although my kids have an activity at school in the evening that I need to take them to. I know I'll be stronger for the weekend if I can get to a meeting every day before it arrives.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Day 1...Again

Arggh. This is so difficult. I got to Friday night and my addicted self just debated me right into a bottle of wine. I let it win without fighting too hard either. I should have gotten myself to a meeting, but instead went to the grocery store right next to the wine shop. I really have to have a better plan. On Saturday I did remain sober at the party, but once home and with the kids to bed, sat up and drank. Fortunately, there wasn't much in the house so I was not awful on Sunday morning. But hey, Halloween. Gotta drink on Halloween, right? Paid for it today.

I really need to stop this. I went to a meeting tonight and that helped although frankly I didn't want a drink today. It's the second or third day that I want one, so I will be sure to get to a meeting tomorrow night.