I've been MIA. I crashed and burned over my vacation and ended up drinking for a ten day period. I've been sober since, though. I'm happy I got back on track quickly.
So what do I think happened?
I think I lost focus on the benefits of being sober. Even before vacation, I stopped checking in with myself in all situations and reminding myself over and over how sober is better. I started taking the Antabuse sporadically. I lagged in getting a refill. The idea that drinking can be fun started to creep in and I let it. Memories of that wine at sunset on the beach started looking romantic and inviting. I bought into the idea (mine-no one else's) that I can buy it just to cook with it, can't I? I'm making mussels--they need wine, right?
What's scary is how fast a glass of wine at the beginning of vacation week spiralled into almost two bottles by the end of the week. How my resolution to get on track immediately on the last night of the vacation resulted in my buying wine "just to cook with" two nights later and drinking most of it. To wrestling with myself that afternoon over whether that was a good idea. I realized that in less than a fortnight I was right back to my old patterns. Not good.
What I did about it:
I committed to taking Antabuse daily for six months at least, maybe more.
I committed to a regular daily checkin on the sobriety support email list I belong to that worked so well for a while.
I am reconsidering once more my ideas of fun.
I am throwing out all of my recipes that call for wine or alcohol.
Still have had bad moments in the weeks since then but have not succumbed. Thanks to those of you who checked in.
I also decided to stop counting. I think there is something about counting time that leads me to believe I can drink again after reaching certain milestones, say 90 days. I didn't think I would be able to not count, but in fact, I'd have to go back and calculate how much time it's been since my last drink after my vacation ended.