Wednesday morning

I'm on Day 4. Last night, I felt antsy but distracted myself with a movie. ("How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days"--recommended only if you like chick flicks and even then it's only a B-). Did the trick. The trouble with maintaining sobriety in the week and blowing it on the weekend is that I never let myself get past the cravings. So even while I'm sober, I'm not calm and content--just irritable and antsy.

Had the "what if" dream last night too which usually makes me want to pour myself a bottle or two of wine. The "what if" dreams involves my old boyfriend--we were together throughout high school and college and had planned to get married. My life took an entirely different direction and we split up. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, but he haunts my dreams on a pretty regular basis for many years now. I feel so unsettled when I have them--the dream is full of longing and regret and I just want to stay in them and not wake up. I feel very sad when I wake up. I figure this must be telling me something about my marriage, my choices, perhaps a midlife crisis that everyone goes through but no one talks about. However, I can't deny that the first love was the best love and I never felt that way with anyone else again. I thought it was youth, but maybe that was it and I missed the boat.

Then of course, all these thoughts are extremely disloyal to my husband, who is a good man, and deserves better than this.

I will not drink today. No matter what feelings I'd like to drown.

Still here

I'm still here but back to Day 2. Thanks for asking about me, RJ.

I try to examine my triggers. This weekend was started with a visit from out of town friends whom we always party with. I had resolved to just not drink but enjoy dinner and good conversation. But I just felt like such a bore.

My mother used to tell me you can have fun without alcohol. I never really saw that my parents did, and sure seems that alcohol is involved in just about every grown up social event where I live.

Alcohol has stopped being fun, when I can't stop once I start, and where I have to waste a day recovering from its effects.

Tuesday--Election Day

Not much to say. I didn't make it to a meeting but I didn't drink either. I did go to an online chat at a website I like, but not feeling any strong cravings tonight except for an interval where my kids were acting up. But had a lovely dinner (chicken cacciatori, yum!) and it passed.

I want to get to a meeting tomorrow, although my kids have an activity at school in the evening that I need to take them to. I know I'll be stronger for the weekend if I can get to a meeting every day before it arrives.

Day 1...Again

Arggh. This is so difficult. I got to Friday night and my addicted self just debated me right into a bottle of wine. I let it win without fighting too hard either. I should have gotten myself to a meeting, but instead went to the grocery store right next to the wine shop. I really have to have a better plan. On Saturday I did remain sober at the party, but once home and with the kids to bed, sat up and drank. Fortunately, there wasn't much in the house so I was not awful on Sunday morning. But hey, Halloween. Gotta drink on Halloween, right? Paid for it today.

I really need to stop this. I went to a meeting tonight and that helped although frankly I didn't want a drink today. It's the second or third day that I want one, so I will be sure to get to a meeting tomorrow night.