Merry Christmas friends

I am typing this as I wait for my kids to fall asleep so we can finish wrapping presents and stuff the stocking. I'm very tired from having been up at 2 AM the last two nights in a row--last night with a child who didn't feel well and the night before when my drunk husband rolled in. I can't wait for this holiday season to be over.

Nonetheless, I do want to take a moment and wish all of you who read this a Merry Christmas.
This is my first sober Christmas and I am able to make it in part because of the support I get here.
It hasn't been easy the last few days. I've been going to meetings and picking up the phones and reading emails from my online support group. But I'm going to be okay and stay sober.

Tonight I am grateful for:

Unlike last year, I was not puking in the butcher shop parking lot when I went to pick up my roast today.

My 9 year old is still really excited about Christmas.

For a nice gathering of my family last night

For the ability to step back and take a deep breath when I want to strangle my husband

For Christmas colored M&Ms

For all my blogger buddies

Checking In

Poor Mrs. Beasley. I'm glad I'm not her this Christmas season.

Well, I've finished my Christmas shopping, the decorations are up, the cards are mailed, the roast beast has been ordered.

The little bastard that is my addictive voice has been squeaking at me about how he thinks that I could have just one glass of red wine with Christmas dinner, maybe a Grand Marnier afterwards. What a joke! Like I ever wanted one glass of anything. I am determined to stay sober through this holiday season and the new year. It's over, LB. Give it up already.

Today I am grateful for:

Nearly four months of hangover free mornings

Having the aforesaid holiday tasks completed

Christmas cards I receive in the mail, especially photos of children. It's amazing how they grow so fast.

That my Dad will be with me to celebrate Christmas. We didn't think he'd make it back in September.

That I am able to squelch the LB

Six Weird Things About Me

Designer Girl tagged me so here I go. Only six??

1. I am incapable of throwing out a Cooking Light magazine and I have subscribed for years. (I do at least cook from back issues.)

2. I plan daily menus in writing every week since I'm always starting Weight Watchers on Monday but then by Thursday I'm eating whatever I feel like.

3. The first career I ever considered was being a nun just like my first grade teacher.

4. The second was an airline stewardess at about age 10. (I'm neither).

5. Being in church makes me feel peaceful but I'm not religious.

6. Being on a desolate beach in the winter soothes me.

a visit with the pshrink

I'm closing in on four months sober (why is it taking so long when time
flies?) and feeling pretty strong in my sobriety, which is fricking
marvelous given that the holidays have always been a major trigger for
me. Holidays and vacations. I am still taking the Antabuse, still
going to meetings, though not as much as I'd like this week. Yesterday, I visited my pshrink to discuss depression and anxiety issues. It looks like sobriety is
unmasking some big issues on that front for me, especially anxiety.
She's started me on an anti-anxiety med (Buspar) at a low dose and upped
my Celexa. Plus, I'm going to start some talk therapy. What I'm not
going to do is self medicate the problem with alcohol anymore. I was
very upfront with pshrink on the alcohol issues. I suppose this means that I'll never have cheap life insurance again, but
so be it.

So hopefully this will bring my emotional house into some semblance of
order.

Last night, I went to a holiday party. Although I am trying to keep it
low key this year and have turned down several invitations, this party
was in our old neighborhood that we absolutely loved when we were there
and we had not been back in several years. My husband in particular
really wanted to go. I am grateful that drinking alcohol was not an
issue for me. I was able to enjoy myself catching up with folks for a
couple of hours. After that, I made husband take me home. He went back
and proceeded to get bombed with a bunch of them. Hearing how one poor
woman (in her 50s with grown children) got trashed and nearly took out a
fish tank when she stumbled, and seeing the condition hubby was in this
AM, I am really really grateful that I don't DO that to myself any longer.

gratitude today

Not much going on. I have been finding it relatively easy to stay away from a drink. Somehow I feel certain I will get through the holidays sober.

I am grateful today for:

1. A good performance review and a great bonus. I am full of self doubt and insecurity when it comes to my job and as usual, my first thought was that the people I work for just don't realize how bad I truly am. I can never feel right about my abilities and it is something I am working for. Right now, I'm just grateful that it worked out today.

2. A colleague who gave me some advice and support when I was having pre-review anxiety.

3. My 9 year old son making me laugh tonight.

4. I finally worked out on the treadmill after work today! Thanks higher power!

5. The Colbert report while I'm working out.

Oh and many mornings waking up hangover free....