Wednesday

I was away this past weekend for a wedding, Interesting. I'm glad I was on the Antabuse or I would have drank for sure. (Not sure if I posted that I am back on Antabuse.)

I think my sister in law (whom we stayed with) may be heading down the path that I've been on. We arrived around 3 PM or so and she offered us drinks twice despite the rather early hour. She seemed disappointed that no one wanted to start drinking immediately. She drank quite a bit in the course of the evening and referenced her own drinking quite a bit (she's fine with having lots of houseguests as long as there is plenty of booze in the house, she told me several times how she relaxes with her book and her wine at 5 PM on her porch each night, she is sure her recent weight gain isn't due to the two (just two!) glasses of wine she has each evening, she needs the wine to destress). We went shopping on Sunday and got home around 1 PM. She was surprised that our husbands hadn't "cracked the seal" and started drinking by then. That evening, at the wedding, which was at a country club, the ceremony didn't take place until a half hour after the stated starting time, and no booze was served during this wait. She remarked on this several times. She drank quite a bit at the wedding as well.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me being hyper sensitive to alcohol since I was only on day 8. (Day 11 now.)

The wedding was nice but with a very long cocktail hour and I was bored stiff. I didn't know anybody besides my husband's family and the groom. Although I chatted with a few other guests, I was just bored and my feet hurt. I must admit I missed being able to have a drink to make me more sociable. But it's never just one drink and I'm sure I would have been plowed by the time dinner was served if I'd been drinking.

The dinner was nice and the music was good and I was able to have some fun dancing. (My husband was very impatient with me at first--he'd had a few drinks and was ready to boogie. It's hard for me to want to dance without a few drinks in me first. But I eventually got in the mood even without booze--I mean, one has to dance to "Love Shack" at a wedding, right? What did people dance to before Love Shack was written, I wonder?) The evening was over relatively early--around 10:30--much to my relief.

I think the bottom line for me is that I need to steer clear of these boozy events as much as I can if I'm to stay sober. I just don't find a lot of fun in them, at least events where I don't really know many people very well. They make me want to drink.

Today I am grateful for:

Another hangover free morning

A good night's sleep

That I didn't drink this weekend

That it's Wednesday and there is a long weekend coming up

Friday day 6

I went to a meeting tonight and I'm really glad I did, although I think my parish priest spotted me. But I don't care anymore; I'm sick of keeping secrets.

The meeting was good but even better was meeting one of the members, a woman about my age, who lives in my town and whose kids go to school where mine go. I often have a problem relating to people at meetings, but this woman I chatted with for 20 minutes afterwards. She's someone I would like to go for coffee with I think.

Thanks for all the responses on sponsors. So what do you DO with a sponsor? Do you have to talk to them every day? How do you work the steps with one?

Today I am grateful for:

a hangover free morning

meeting Jane at the meeting

a day off from work

Starbucks caramel macchiato

getting a copy of 12 Steps and 12 Traditions from the raffle winner who didn't need it

all the people who responded to my questions

hangover free morning

God, I love hangover free mornings. Mind you, I'm still bleary eyed from staying up too late finishing a difficult Sudoku last night, but it's a good bleary eyed...I also had a wild dream (this always happens to me in early sobriety) involving wars, floods, the Middle East etc...I tend to be tired after an active dream.

My gratitude list this AM:

For waking up hangover free

Sudoku (I love it!)

Leftover lobster salad in my fridge for lunch today

Living in a fairly safe area of the world (watched Spike Lee's Katrina documentary last night)

Question for my readers, especially Maui. How does one get a sponsor in AA? I've yet to figure this out. And once I have a sponsor, what am I supposed to do with her? Call every day? Work the steps? Just go to meetings?

take three...but this time it sticks

Today I woke up with a horrible hangover. And the resolve to never feel that way again. I went to an AA meeting and joined it as a home group. (I've been there before.) I will do whatever it takes to not pick up a drink ever again. One day at a time.

I enjoyed the meeting. The first speaker went on and on, and I couldn't relate to his story of jails and rehab. But the second speaker was a woman who said many things that I could identify with, in particular about how we use alcohol to numb emotions. That is me in a nutshell. Feeling bad about myself, my family etc? Have a drink! No more.

Today I am grateful for:

Feeling like I can get back on track again.

For recovery groups--online and off, secular and 12 step.

For cranberry juice and ginger ale.

For knowing I will wake with a clear head tomorrow.

Take Two

Stupidly, instead of going to a meeting, I went out to dinner and drank some wine. How is it that one can have so much resolve when one wakes up in the AM to have it gone in the evening?

Today IS Day One. I will not do this anymore.

My name is Donna and I'm an alcoholic

Thank you all for your many comments and checkins. I wish I could say I've been sober since Independence Day but today is Day 1 for me.

I am tired of living in this hell. I will attend an AA meeting this evening. I will do what it takes to stay sober. Antabuse and email groups have not been enough. Let's see where meetings can take me.

So much to live for and so much to lose if I continue on the path that I'm on.