too much boring chit chat

Last night, I had to attend a work event. Tonight, I attended a neighborhood dinner party which is an attempt by one of my neighbors to get us all to bond. It actually is a nice idea and wasn't all that bad. Not as bad as the work event, where I only lasted twenty minutes.

It seems that without alcohol I have no ability to stand around and chit chat on a social basis. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and tend to cling to the few people I know rather than get around and meet others.

I hate that. I don't want to drink. But I don't like feeling this way at events either. And I can't avoid them completely. A certain amount of socializing is required at work as "team building" and it's the way working relationships are formed. As for things that don't involve work, my husband likes to socialize and I can't deprive him completely of the opportunity. He likes to drink occasionally too, although he only had a couple tonight.

Anyway it's made me grumpy and I suppose I better do a gratitude list:

tomorrow will be ten weeks of hangover free mornings

tomorrow we will celebrate my Dad's 84th birthday with a potluck party. In September it didn't look like he'd make 84 and I'm very grateful he is around for one more year of our annual get together

I am grateful that I HAVE a job that enables me to support my family

and that I have neighbors who care enough to try to get to know each other

doh!

I meant hangover FREE in my last post, LOL!

Today I chatted on the phone with Kelly M., a woman in the Program who gave me her phone number a while back and keeps urging me to call her. Boy that phone is heavy. But I was glad that I did it in the end. I'm thinking I might ask her to sponsor me. She's got twenty years sobriety and a great sense of humor and is very easy to talk to. I'm just afraid she is probably in high demand as a sponsor.

Admitting my alcoholism

I haven't yet reached the point where I can refer to myself as an alcoholic outside of meetings or when talking to my husband.

Tonight, I had dinner with some very good, very old friends. Over the years, I have partied very hardy with these two and we have all seen each other pretty wasted. And I have very fond memories of Lynn and I sharing a bottle of wine or two over the course of an evening while our then boyfriends were working. Not being able to do that ever again tugs at me, even though for several years it's been two bottles just for me. I think they probably know I have issues with alcohol although not the extent of it.

In any event, I did not drink tonight and let them know that I haven't in two months. I couldn't bring myself to say alcoholism to them but I made several jokes touching on it. I did ask at the end of the evening whether they thought I was still fun. (They said yes, what else could they say?)

We did have a nice evening and no one had more than two drinks so I didn't have to feel left out or bored while eveyone else was getting a load on.

I admit however that socializing is easier for me when I drink. I need to be very careful about socializing these days.

Tomorrow I will collect my 6o day chip (although it will be 64 days).

Today I am grateful for:

63 hangover days

my father is improving every day

that I have friends in my life who have been my friends for 25 years

that I don't need to hire babysitters anymore when I go out

for the dimple in my 12 year old son's smile

testing one two three...

where did my blog disappear to?

Funny thing about meetings

I went to a meeting tonight, kind of half-hearted about heading out and leaving my family after being at work all day. But I'm glad I went. I'm finding more and more that when I make myself go, I hear things that resonate with me at that meeting. Tonight, there were several very good speakers. One old gentlemen reminded me of a very courtly Fred Astaire type and he was very funny and good to hear.

Another speaker, a woman, spoke of how unavailable she was when she drank. And how drinking filled a need in her...she was full of insecurity, doubt, fear. Drinking made those feelings go away but they made her unavailable to her children. I think that was true for me. I have lost a lot of time with my kids. I was physically present but completely tuned out when I sat drinking my wine.

Both speakers spoke of hope, however, and how being in AA gave them that. I think I feel a little bit of that, and I guess it's why I go even when I don't really feel like it.

Today I am grateful for:

58 hangover free mornings (I'll pick up my 60 day chip this weekend at my regular meeting)

the absolutely glorious October we have been having her in New England

a great conversation with my 12 year old son this weekend about my alcohol issues

my cutie pie niece who turned one a couple of days ago

that I don't ever have to pick up a drink again

Blogger lost my last post...

I was beginning to feel sorry for myself that all my blogger friends deserted me since I hadn't been notified of any comments. Then it dawned on me to check.

Bummer, it was a brilliant post full of gratitude and sage wisdom for those in recovery, LOL.

Actually, it was full of gratitude. I posted it last Saturday with the news that my Dad has been released from the hospital to continue his convalescence at home. I am very grateful for that. I went to visit him and, although he is weak, he is so much better and so happy to be home.

I just returned home from a new AA meeting which I enjoyed. It's in a little coastal town here in MA and I drove the scenic route to get there and witnessed a beautiful orange moon rising over the ocean. I heard what I needed to hear at the meeting too.

Today I am grateful for:

51 hangover free mornings

living near enough to the ocean to drive there quickly

having a car that works to get me there

that my husband doesn't mind waiting for his dinner until after my meeting

for having a quiet day at work today which enabled me to clear off the mountain of stuff on my desk and creat a relatively clean work environment

A talk with my daughter; a visit with my Dad

Today, for the first time, I acknowledged my drinking problem to my 13 year old daughter. We were talking about substance abuse among teenagers and the conversation veered towards alcohol use among teenagers. I told her that I'd been struggling for a while with trying to over come the problem. She asked if the meetings I attend are AA meetings and I said yes. That wasn't as hard as I expected. It feels like the air cleared between us a bit--that big elephant in the room was quiet but took up some space, I guess.

I sometimes wonder what my kids have thought about my drinking. I have never been a "get up in the morning" and drink type. Mostly it's been evening, with a large part occurring after they went to bed. If anything, they dealt with the hungover mom more than the drunk mom. But they have seen their share of drunk mom, especially when we were with grown up friends who drank.

Visited with my Dad at the hospital today. He is doing incredibly well. He can talk now and today was the first conversation we've been able to have in weeks. He's got a sparkle in his eye and his color is good. He's anxious to get home but he's still got some time in the hospital. Hard to believe he was near death's door three weeks ago. Looks like beat the devil this time around.
I am so thankful.

Today I'm grateful for:

43 hangover free mornings

my Dad's recovery

my daughter's acceptance

the beautiful fall colors against the grey sky today

cranberry and ginger ale

fresh pineapple

the gooey chocolate cake someone brought to my meeting today