Wow, Time flies

I was surprised to see how long it has been since I've made an entry in my blog.

I'm still here and still sober. Things have been a tad emotional lately as my Dad is back in the hospital. He went in for some planned surgery and had a heart attack while he was there. His heart is already so damaged. Apparently, his kidney function is so diminished, fluids are building up in his chest, and a whole host of other things are going wrong. I feel so badly for him. He told the doctor today he doesn't want to be resuscitated if he goes into cardiac arrest. I understand how he feels. He's been very ill since last fall. He's tired of it. He doesn't have a lot of hope of getting better.

My relationship with my Dad hasn't always been a smooth one. He was a difficult, angry man when I was growing up. He mellowed considerably once we kids were grown. I also understand where he was coming from so much better than I could as a kid or a teenager-his family background, his marriage to my Mom. I think he did the best that he could and tried to love us as best as he could.

I love him and I am going to miss him a great deal when he passes on.

Tonight I am grateful for:

many mornings of no hangovers

time I am able to spend with my Dad

that he understands I love him and I understand he loves me

that he remained healthy for so many years (he's 84 now)

that I had an AA meeting to go to tonight after an emotional day and that I don't need to drink over any of this

7 Months Today

Today is seven months sober for me. It seems like a miracle, really. When I started this blog, and even before, I was stopping and starting, and never seemed to amass any time. Today, I feel strong and like I am finally on the right path.

Today I am grateful for:

Seven months of no hangovers

All the support I have received in my recovery from AA, LifeRing, and others

For managing to stick to my diet today

For the first day of spring tomorrow (it IS tomorrow, isn't it?)

My First Commitment

I went on my first commitment last night. My sponsor, Karen, called me and asked if I want to go along. (Bless her, I've been a terrible sponsee as I never call her. It took all I had there to ask her to the prom in the first place.) I've never gone on one with my group, preferring to stick to my routine regular meetings. But it was not far away and I decided to go, even though I knew I would have to speak.

When we got there, there was the biggest crowd I've ever seen at an AA meeting. Turns out it was a beginner's meeting preceding the commitment meeting. I was having a heart attack about getting in front of that size crowd. But most of them left at the break. I guess it being St. Patrick's day and all, a larger crowd than usual had turned out. What a great place for a drunk to be on St. Paddy's day--an AA meeting.

The commitment went well and I didn't pass out speaking in front of the crowd. I spoke for about ten or 15 minutes I guess. My story is not all that interesting...I don't have a lot of jackpots to describe. Only the loss of myself. But the program is working for me; that I can attest to in any event. And it was great hearing my group speak.

Today I am grateful for:

Nearly seven months' worth of hangover free mornings

for my sponsor, Karen

that my Dad has been doing well of late

for a Sunday afternoon visit with my parents and a late afternoon nap

Sunday night Thai food take out

Need to get out of my own head tonight

I am home alone tonight, which generally I enjoy since it is so rare that the husband and kids aren't around. Still, I'm feeling troubled today and not enjoying the solitude as much as I normally would.

I can't quite put my finger on the sadness. I'm feeling a bit compulsive, eating everything in sight. I went shopping today and yesterday and spent too much money on clothes I probably don't need. That's not really like me.

I feel fat, old, ugly.

I did go to a meeting tonight which I normally like. But I felt apart from everyone else tonight. I think I am on the pity pot a bit which isn't helpful. So a gratitude list is in order:

For many many mornings without a hangover

That I can pray when things don't feel right, instead of picking up a drink

That I can stay sober when I'm home alone (this used to be a "yahoo! Time to really drink the way I want to.." event

That I can change my weight by eating and exercising right, even if I can't change my age

That I can even afford to go shopping

That this mood too shall pass

Am I getting addicted to meetings?

I am beginning to wonder about this. I've been going to a lot (for me, anyway) and I feel just great after I attend one. Tonight, I could have stayed home--wasn't feeling particularly like I needed one and had been to one last night, but I had the opportunity and so I went. Met up with my sponsor there and haven't seen her in a bit so it was nice to see her. I felt so darn good after I left the meeting. Better than any drink could make me feel.

I had kind of a hard week, with a lot of family shit going down. Caring for my elderly parents has everyone kind of edge. My siblings and I are also not very good at being able to ask for help when we need it. (I'm learning, though!) The result was that my brother and his wife were doing a lot of sniping behind the backs of the rest, feeling resentful that the rest of us were not doing as much for my parents as they were. (They live closest to my parents and their only child is grown.) It ended up with hard feelings all around and I was an emotional mess during the week. I did pick up that 1000 pound phone and talked to an AA friend, however, and that helped when the drink urge hit. I also got the aforesaid meetings.

Today I am grateful for:

Many months of hangover free mornings

The beautiful moon that was setting at 5:30 AM this morning when I drove my son to the meeting place for his school ski trip.

For meetings and my sponsor and the other people I have met through AA

For being greeted with hugs at a meeting

For my beautiful children

For raspberry sweet cream ice cream I had today after my other son's team won their basketball game