What to write about?

I love weekends. Today I slept relatively late. Took my boys to basket ball and was thrilled that my 10 year old, who is somewhat athletically challenged, got two baskets and played a pretty good game. His coach is amazing, including all the kids, making them pass to each other. Not allowing any stars. and the kids rose to the occasion.

Afternoon nap, it was delicious. But I drank last night and that's why I needed one. So it goes....

I've been listening to music that just eats me up--I'm kind of a folkie and recently discovered Richard Thompson who just speaks to my soul. Got him playing on Itunes as I tap this out.

Anyway, tomorrow I hope to stay drink free. I'm always starting tomorrow whether it is a diet or a sobriety program. Funny sad.

Friends

I talked to a friend tonight whom I have known forever and love very dearly. She is trying to quit cigarettes and she is very addicted. I actually managed to quit three plus years ago and I feel her pain.

In talking to her, I mentioned how once I quit smoking, my drinking really took off. And it really did, although this friend and I are separated by distance enough that I'm not sure she perceives a drinking problem on my part. Just partying when we get together a couple of times of year, isn't it?

I think she would be sympathetic to my not drinking, she is a wonderful friend. But I have a hard time letting go of 20 years of shared bottles of wine. Can you have intimacy with the friends ( and she is a real friend not a drinking buddy) over a seltzer? People say yes. I just don't know.

Snowy Wednesday

More snow happening and we are barely dug out from Sunday. I'm actually okay with this...I am more annoyed by little amounts of snow than big dumps that just make everything so beautiful.

I am listening to a Christine Lavin disc that my husband, of all people, brought home. This is not his kind of music and he seemed to think he had discovered it for me. Sweet, I guess.

Trinker, if I take your bet, I will have to learn much more about football than I know beyond "Go Pats!" Does your quarterback is cute count?

Grace, I'm glad you posted because I couldn't leave a comment on your site last time I tried.

Hi Faith!

Tonight, I went on my treadmill. I'm determined to do a 25 minute workout with stretches and 5 minute warmups and cooldowns every nights. so tonight is night four. It is working out because the treadmill is in our playroom and the kids have been chatting quite a bit to me as I work out. I can even gauge my workout level by how well I can answer them. The time flies unexpectedly.

What else?? I'm too boring. Nothing more.

snowy snowy sunday

We've had a blizzard here in NE and I am loving it. I loved the Blizzard of 78--I was only 17 at the time, so I didn't have any concerns other than how would I see my boyfriend who lived a couple of towns over? (He walked and hitchhiked with the state police and some plow guys, can you believe I'm not married to him now??)

The snow has been sculpted into are all around my yard. My dog refuses to go out; he's short and when I finally got him to the relatively clear front steps it was like Austin Powers-- I shit you not, it took him 5 minutes to finish peeing. He melted a hole to the pavement through 2 feet of snow.

Beyond that, the Patriots won, I made tacos and cookies, got a half hour in on my new treadmill and I'm feeling okay tonight. Hope all of you are well.

About me

Faith asked me to post a little about myself and I guess I will. Hello to Grace and Brian and thanks for reading.

Well, you already know I have a drinking problem.

I don't really want to think of that as defining me. Hmm what does? I think I'm very boring although I have a great sense of humor and seem to make people who know me laugh.

I'm 44, married, full time professional. Three children, a girl and two boys. My girl is in 6th grade, the boys 4th and 2d. I live in the suburbs south of Boston in one of those executive neighborhoods that look like Pleasant Valley Sunday only bigger. I'm from a blue collar family so I always have trouble believing I actually live here. I want to move to the beach as soon as my kids are out of high school, although I don't live far from the ocean now. I love the ocean and summer is my favorite season, although my fair skin doesn't like it too much. I've had basal cell cancer (the harmless kind).

I love to read, cook, garden (sort of an unimaginative list). I do yoga. I just bought a treadmill and I am vowing to lose weight. I used to be very skinny but the years have not been kind. (Well, I haven't been kind to myself.)

I am very concerned about anonymity, although what the heck am I blogging for then? I don't have a lot of time to maintain the blog so it's unlikely I'll post every day. But maybe.

Sober Monday

Felt very lazy this morning about going into the office and decided to work from home today. Good thing because I couldn't get the car out of my ice covered driveway anyway, which is an incline up to the street. Husband's car also broke down this morning so all signs pointed towards a work at home day.

With the kids in school it was productive too. Love working in sweats. Made some chili since I had the chance. Could keep an eye on my home email. Had several conference calls where no one was the wiser about my whereabouts.

Not struggling too much with not drinking today which is always good.

Arggh

Stupidly, I drank last night. I bought two bottles of wine. The bad news is I drank one. The good news is that I poured the other out down the drain.

I try to envision what was going through my mind. I was not fighting a craving. I could have chosen not to buy that wine. I didn' t enjoy the taste of the first bottle either. It's like I was on automatic pilot. It's Friday night, my family is away for the weekend, I always enjoy relaxing with wine when they are away which happens like never. And so I bought it. This morning I am happy that I poured the other bottle out. I am rather disgusted with my stupidity for buying it at all and drinking it. I know I don't want to drink again. There is no point. The damn stuff didn't even TASTE good. I would have enjoyed my cranberry and ginger ale more.

I will not drink today.

I am coming to realize that I need to get myself to meetings whether I think I need them or not.

Sometimes I feel stupidly out of place there. But I never drink on a day that I go to a meeting. I have to admit that.

Faith, I am a little concerned about posting this as I know you have been feeling the cravings lately too. I always worry my failure will trigger a lapse in someone else. Let's not give in to them today, okay?

Sober on day 6

I appreciate the comment from Namenlosen Trinker. NL, I've actually been following your site for awhile now but have had trouble getting on lately.

I do realize that it's easy to start slipping by rationalizing that I feel strong today so I don't need to go. Lord knows, I've done that enough times in the last two years.

I often resent the time meetings take away from my family, but have to remind myself that I wasn't exactly with them when I was swilling wine in the kitchen while they were in the playroom.

Today, I had some intense cravings because I had to commute by boat, which has a bar. I had many wine soaked evenings begin with that bar. But I was able to use a lot of self talk and even a prayer to a higher power I'm not sure I believe in to keep me on the path. I am home and safe and sober tonight.

I also talked by phone to an online recovery friend who is in town here in Boston from Alaska and we are going to try to meet for coffee tomorrow. That will be a first. The phone call was a first! I've been trying to make this journey by myself for awhile now and it hasn't been working.

day 5

Better today but still dog-tired which is probably from detoxing and destressing from the holidays. Some stress at work, which is a new job for me. There's lots going on politically and I'm wondering if my manager is up to the task.

Drove to an AA meeting but chickened out from going in because it was in the parish house of my church (or the church my family is enrolled in anyway) and I know the people who live in the house next door. I need to get over the embarassment of this condition. Hey at least I'm doing something about it, right?

It was okay though because the act of driving there seemed to banish the cravings I was having, which seemed generally not as acute as last night. So I went home and enjoyed some time with my kids instead and hit my online recovery chat for awhile. Time to go to bed now.

I've got to post sooner in the evening...

or this will never be more than a series of one paragraph blogs.

Hi RJ, thanks for posting and checking to see if I was here. As you can see, I failed miserably over the holidays but I'm giving it another go.

Day 4 is over. I had some strong arguments with my addictive self but managed to overcome them. Had intended to go to an AA meeting tonight but my youngest son needed to make a trip to the doctor's. He banged up his leg last week sledding and the swelling hadn't gone down, nor his limp. He's fine, just a deep bruise, says the doctor. In any event, I made it to my online recovery group chat (a secular one, which I like) and that helped make the addictive self go away.

Took down my Christmas tree and I am now exhausted. I collected ornaments for years and now I wonder why. I'm beginning to feel Christmas should be cut back to every other year as I know that I will be putting the damn thing up again before I know it.

Need to sleep, busy today tomorrow.

Tired but sober

My usual day 3 cravings with my addictive self trying to come up with all sorts of bargains. Come on, you have a party to go to next week, your sister's wedding this summer, etc etc, you are not going to quit drinking this year. What about beer? Can't you just stick with beer instead of wine? You never get drunk on beer... And so it goes.

Resisted successfully and am now pulling myself to bed.

Another January 2

Well, I just gave this link out over at Lumbering Soul. Hello to Faith if you choose to visit!

I was thinking this morning that this is the third January I will be sober in as many years. I need to find a way to make it stick past January though.

Went to an AA meeting this morning. I like this Sunday one, it's not too religious. Could identify with some of the speakers in their thinking that booze helped to make them feel "not less than" or "good enough". I know that I've drank so I could fit in and be one of the crowd just about all my life. When I don't drink, I'm pretty introverted and tend to shy away from people except for extroverted people who approach me.

Had planned to take the Christmas tree down today, but after running a few errands, I said the hell with it and decided to go skating with my husband and 12 year old. The ice rink was crowded and I'm out of practice but we still had a good time. My sons were off at a friend's house so it was nice being just the three of us.

Now I've got stew simmering on the stove, a glass of seltzer nearby and I'm skipping around checking out the blogs I like to read. Maybe I should take down a few ornaments as well...

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

I'm back. I have a new resolve. This is the year I get and stay sober. I vow not to drink in 2005. With the blog universe as my witness, I quit drinking.

The Christmas season was a lost cause for me. I quit for five days before Thanksgiving and then drank during the holiday. Since then I have been on a binge, avoiding meetings, laying low. I'm sick of it all. This party is over.

Anyway, as part of my recovery I vow to journal here every day. (Unless I have no computer access)

I have to believe that the best is yet to be.